hi, I’m just posting this to rant about my life, you don’t have to read this if you don’t want to read the ramblings of a 14-year old. it’s nice to have a website where I can vent my thoughts anonymously.

anyways, a few years before I was born my dad got arrested for a DUI, which is what my mother told me. he was a heavy drinker and he has bipolar disorder but I think he’s a bit better now. anyways, a while ago I was reading through some divorce papers and when I was about 2 years old, my dad walked up behind my mother and threatened her and she called the police on him, and the next day he tried to hang himself on the front porch. to make a long story short I’ve only ever seen him a few times when I was younger and I’ve been told that he hates visiting me because he doesn’t want to see my mother. he might have done some things to her while he was drunk or manic, but I don’t want to know. about my mother, I’m afraid of her sometimes because she can get so angry and throw things around like the vacuum and chairs, and once she threw her ipod and keys at my face because she was so pissed. she’s a good mom and all but it worries me how unstable she is sometimes.

life was good until I was about 7 or 8 years old, and that’s when I was molested by a family friend. I never saw it as a bad thing when I was younger which is why I never told anyone about it, but looking back I should have talked to someone and stopped keeping contact with this person, but I did anyways. i try not to dote on it too much because I know a few people in that situation who are fine with it now, but it just kills me to think about it because it’s such a humiliating and shameful thing and I wish it never happened.

a few years later I ended up in therapy for god knows why and I was diagnosed with social anxiety, which I still have to this day. I’ve had a few friends here and there but my only real friend moved to wisconsin 4 years ago, so I’ve been alone since. a lot of people can relate with me when I say being alone sucks, and it really does. the only close person I have is my mother and rarely do I ever talk to her about anything serious.

my social anxiety is so terrible that I don’t talk in public and at school unless I have to, and when I do I just end up looking like an idiot. it really doesn’t help that I’m a freshman and all the upperclassmen make fun of me for it and my appearance. I’m a hypocrite because I’ve talked a few people out of suicide, telling them that their life matters and it’s important, but I really want to end mine. it’s going nowhere. my grades are so bad with d’s and f’s I can barely keep up with it and whenever my mom yells at me about it I just cry like an idiot. I know I sound stupid but I’ve cut before and used my nails and my cat’s claws and whatever I can to fucking take the pain away, but it can’t and I hate that.

I want to keep living, to see what I’ll be doing in the future, but what’s the point in living? it’s just a big shithole and my life is one never ending embarrassing moment because of my stupid social anxiety and my inability to speak. but oh well, i’ll stop ranting now. thanks for reading this if you did.