Distractions

I know exactly how you feel, there. I have been to the edge of finally ending it so many times, particularly in the last year or so, that I couldn’t even begin to count them. Each time, I lose my motivation, and tell myself that if I just put it off for a little longer, just one more time, that will give the universe the chance to show me the one thing that I think could actually make me want to live (there is only one thing). I have used the same excuse every time since I was about 15 (7 years ago), but then this summer, an excruciating moment of clarity came over me and I realized that this excuse that I had been using likely couldn’t happen, and if it did, it would probably turn out to be harmful for someone else. Once that happened, while my mind still uses that same excuse, it fails to resonate like it did. I want to believe it, I really do, and that desire for it to still be true is what has kept me going so far. But each day, I find a new perspective that leads me further down into the bottomless abyss that I have been experiencing ever-deeping levels of for half of my life. Distractions just don’t last, and now the one excuse that used to, the only thing that mattered, doesn’t work either.

If you would like to talk in a more private setting, feel free to email me at sacrificial_shaun @ yahoo.com (delete the spaces between characters).