“His retreat into himself is not a final renunciation of the world, but a search for quietude, where alone it is possible for him to make his contribution to the life of the community.”
— C.G. Jung
I can’t really explain the hiatus. I’m not “back,” but i checked back on rare occasions, and was notified of a few favorable mentions, and, things have been especially bleak and torturous in the last couple months, so, i figured i’d pop in and say “hey.”
Hey.
10 comments
Wow. Clevername.
I thought of you when there was all the flooding in the state where you had been living. I hope it didn’t effect you or your family (if you were still around that area).
(I used to go by Persa, if you remember.)
It’s good to see you’re still alive, though I’m sorry to hear that things aren’t going so well for you right now.
Oh i remember you. And yeah, we got permanently displaced and went our separate ways. It’s been a cascade of traumatic experiences, and it just keeps coming. Someone i’ve missed for a long time, just recently told me something i don’t think i can ever be ready for (in an insultingly ambiguous manner, at that, followed by more diminishing and silent treatment), and after everything… i’m half hysterical and half rage. I kinda want to scream, or roar, as loud as i possibly can (but that would scare people and cause more problems). I can’t help but “laugh” at how absurdly spiteful and cruel, or just plain apathetic, so many people are.
You know that mindset where you feel like you just can’t be around people, and exit every inadvertent interaction as soon as possible? That’s pretty much where i stay. I often force myself to engage, just because some variance is better than what results from lacking that. It’s not that i hate anyone (quite the opposite, really), but that i just can’t deal with the way most people expect and pressure and pry and interrogate, based on entirely contrived assumptions and false constructs. It’s almost always an agonizing waste of my time and energy, and never gains me anything worth more than solitude. And i’m so not complaining about solitude at all. I value it more than the company of almost everyone i’ve known.
Since we are “here” … i hope you are not unwell. And i’m glad some people remember some of our better times here.
That really sucks, I hope you found adequate living quarters.
I understand what you mean, yeah; I feel the same way. Occasionally I have conversations with people I randomly meet at bars (or the bartenders/servers there), but I don’t have much that’s exciting to say about myself, so I don’t try pursuing friendships.
I think I’m done with attempting “romantic relationships,” too.
I want to be left alone, but at the same time I wish I had company IRL for when I wouldn’t mind interacting with another person. I literally have no one anymore (besides my siblings who are busy with their own lives), so that’s not so fun. (I don’t participate anywhere else online, either.)
Ah, I’m not doing too well; I feel like I’m going into a downward spiral again. My life has constantly been about trying to improve myself, thinking I’m doing better for a while… and then things are screwed up, and I just crash and realize how pointless and meaningless my existence is. Nothing is that important to me when I’m alone, so I can’t find a purpose, an actual reason to live, you know? Just going day to day with no real anticipation for anything. I was recently accused of being a “loser,” which is true if you compare me to people out enjoying life. Idk. I don’t really care. I regret a lot but I guess it’s too late to change who I am.
Sorry for the rant, heh.
Wow, it’s clevername!!
I’m so happy to see your name pop up again. I hope you comeback and write walls of text for me to read. I’m glad your still alive often wondered what became of you. I just imagined you found a clever beautiful woman and were now living happily ever after. 🙂
I remember your handle… and i wasn’t planning on coming back, but i do occasionally have spontaneous ideas for ranty but informative posts, and entertain the notion of actually constructing them… but i never get around to it. Not much became of me, and i didn’t find anyone. I found some good brains on the ubiquitous “book of faces,” and spend most of my energy there, these days… but nothing involving actual physical contact. That would just be asking too much.
Good to see you back Clevername, I was actually wondering what happened to you (the last couple of days). I used a different handle before but you’ll probably figure it out when you read my posts-if not no worries, I just prefer to keep it on the down-low either way.
Sorry to heard about the difficulties you’re experiencing-esp with the cruel/nasty people you’re dealing with. Whatever the issues are, I hope you’re able to overcome them. I always felt you’d make a good therapist so if you haven’t gotten a career, that’s something you should consider-assuming you feel you’re ready for it (I mean once you’ve sorted things out). Cheers.
Hey.
*nods*
You’re one of my all-time favorite heathens, glad to hear you’re not dead.
Cleverness 🙂 it has been so long. like a long awaited return of an old boy. Hope you are well.
Hi Clevername, sad to see you back with more problems, but glad you have imparted them here with people who know the difficulties of this world. I have always wondered why people are cruel to another and especially someone I have always thought of as caring like you. Sometimes I think solitude does have advantages, I’ve often been attracted to island life to get away from the world. I hope solitude helps you – or at least giving you a break to assess things in your life before returning to engage with the world again. Whatever you decide I wish you the best.
Hey. I don’t know if you’re ever going to read this, and if you do, it may take some time before you ever get around to it. But I remember you. Do you remember someone named thanatos? I always think of you whenever I come back to this site because I never got to apologize for the way I acted, even if it wasn’t “that bad”, overall I’ve had more experience with gifted people and realized how sensitive they, and I, respectively, are. I wonder if the little things I said got to you.
Well, the thing is, I’m on this site because… Uhh.
People can hear my thoughts, basically.
So yeah. Imagine that.
And take it, and apply it to your everyday life, and imagine why I said to you the things that I did under the tremendous amount of mind-rending pressure I was under at the age of 19, abandoned by my abusive mother after being abducted by a sociopath..
I just wanted to say, that by that point, I’d already gone fairly crazy.
By now, I haven’t tasted the berth of rationality in ages and the real me drifts somewhere beneath the surface of whatever temporary persona I’ve made to slip by, occasionally resurfacing to be met with the mad lie of my life, which is a mixture of blatant gaslighting devoid of conscience and ineffable misery.
So.. Uhhh. Yeah I don’t really know what to expect from this, but most of my friends are also gifted, artists or musicians or something of the like, if not downright autistic but you’ve always stood out to me as the biggest brain that I’ve had a chance to meet. And yeah, it sucks that people don’t appreciate that, but I do, even if I’m not really “someone”. I’m on the lower end of the gifted spectrum myself and most of the time I just drift by on autopilot. I’d really like to talk to you again someday, if you’re on discord, perhaps? I don’t have high hopes, my discord tag is Sirius#8018. I’d say I hope you’re doing well, but I have serious doubts.