Hoping for death or rebirth

I’m back to trying to kill myself. Seven years have passed since I felt like dying was my best option. The last year has been difficult and with each passing day, I feel like things are getting worse. I need to talk this out and here is the only place that I feel I can.

Starting in my teens I got into drugs as a way to cope with my problems. I was also suicidal and wanted to die, so I secretly hoped my drug and alcohol abuse would kill me. This reckless behavior continued until I was twenty eight, where I had a bad trip by combining a moderate amount of ecstasy (untested so I don’t know exactly what I was taking) and absinthe at a party. I never felt the same after that night. It felt like something snapped and broke inside of my head. After that night I started making changes in my life to turn it around, get healthy and build a future.

Seven years later I have made some good progress. I stayed drug free, joined the Army where I learned a lot about myself, grew up and matured. I forgave my parents and worked on building a better relationship with my family. All was going well until approximately ten months ago. I came under a great deal of stress and suffered a psychotic breakdown. My whole world and self identity was ripped apart. Since the breakdown a lot of repressed memories and emotions have come out and I’ve been getting professional help to deal with everything. I also have started having strong suicidal ideations. All the work I’ve done to get better and live a good life feels like it has been ripped away from me. As hard as I try, there is no escaping my past and what I have done to myself.

Today I am suffering from horrible memory issues, severe cognitive impairment and dissacociation. My hearing is terrible and I have a constant loud ringing in my ears (too much loud music and gun fire). There is also my major depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder problems. All of this has gotten so bad that I have fallen off the wagon and started drinking again. I know alcohol is bad when combined with the medication I’m on, but I just don’t care anymore. I once again secretly hope that I die. I do have the means to commit suicide sitting in the corner of my room, but I’m not ready to take that step. Something is keeping me going.

I want to be honest and open with my doctors, but I can’t for fear they will involuntarily commit me. So I tip toe around how bad my suicidal thoughts are and how much I want to die. I keep getting help and trying to recover because I do want to get better. I want to be strong and healthy so I can help my family and others who are struggling. But the mental and emotional pain is so bad. The constant fighting to get better has worn me out and I don’t have any energy left. If only I could fall asleep and never wake up again.

As a teenager, do to some traumatic events, I lost all hope for the future. I stopped living for anything positive. The only happiness and connection with people was drug induced. I became blind and uncaring of the destruction I was doing to myself and those around me. I have finally woken up and see the truth of how I was not living life. So now I sit here drinking, thinking of death and unable to get my mind off these dark thoughts.

Whew, I’m glad I got that out. I keep my problems bottled up too much.