My brother, Matthew, committed suicide a little over 3 years ago and I am so broken from it. He was severely depressed and I never understood – I wasnt as compassionate as I should have been when he was alive. I feel that all of his pain and suffering has just flown into me – I am so unhappy but no one knows. I put on such a front and pretend I’m fine to my family – particularly because I know what Matts death has done to them and I’m all they have left. My heart feels so heavy all of the time, I feel like I will never be truly happy ever again as Matt will be gone for as long as I’m living. Happy occasions are never completely happy because he’s not here.
I want to not exist. The pain I feel is so unbearable that I just feel that I can’t do it for much longer. I’m trying to live with it but I struggle more every single day.
People often say to me that suicide is selfish and I could not disagree more when I think of Matt’s decision. He wasn’t selfish and I truly believe that – but I feel that if I did it, I would be being selfish. I cannot do that to my mum – I’m all she has now. I was fine before Matt died and I didn’t suffer from depression at all. I’m getting worse and I am worried about the future and how I’m going to make it.
On the outside, my life looks perfect. I’m doing well at work, I recently got engaged and I’m planning my wedding; but in the inside I feel like I am screaming. If this is how I feel when life is going well, how will I feel when I hit a bump in the road?
I read somewhere that depression can feel like your drowning but you can’t swim, and I thats exactly how I feel.
7 comments
You never truly get over the pain and grief of losing a loved one to suicide. In the end you just have to accept it was their decision and if you love and respected them you would let them go. Just know that they are at peace and when you are that’s when they can show you little signs that there okay. Like on a bad day you might smell him around something that gives you a sense of peace that he’s around. Maybe a butterfly might appear a feather. There are all kinds of ways our loved ones who have passed try and connect with us. But grief is what stops them from truly getting through. Maybe talk to your brother through a photo to help you visualize that he’s there and tell him everything. Tell him to help you send you a sign somehow.
It may help to take a broader view on this situation. Presently you’ve narrowly focused on one aspect of this incident, which was that you felt you weren’t there to save your brother-you saw the warning signs and ignored them.
Depression gives you tunnel-vision and that’s one reason you get trapped into being depressed, since it feels like there’s only one way of seeing things and no way out of it. You’re unable or sometimes unwilling to recognize there are many other truths and perspectives in play that are perhaps even more valid than the one you focused on.
For instance I used to be close to one of my sisters, she and I were like best friends for a very long time, until she got married with a guy I didn’t like too much. Since then we grew apart and in fact now we don’t speak because of some arguments we’ve had.
Now had my sister committed suicide when we used to be close, like you I’d be deeply upset. If she did it today, of course I’d feel sad, but not as much since our relationship has evolved a lot over the years and she has changed from the person she once was and I’m sure I have also. My point being who knows if in time you grew apart from your brother-you wouldn’t feel the way you do now (as much).
Additionally you are not to blame since he decided he didn’t want to live, so whether you showed him compassion or not, he would’ve most likely killed himself anyway.
Believe me I’ve been truly suicidal a number of times in my life and once I planned it but didn’t go through. In each of those situations the last thing I was thinking about was that my family or friends weren’t compassionate or kind enough to me. My reasons were that I hated my life, I didn’t feel I’d ever escape poverty or every get all the things I dreamed about and that the best was behind me.
So as you can see these reasons have everything to do with my own thoughts about my life and nothing to do with other people. I’m fairly certain it was the same for your brother-he wasn’t happy with his life for his own personal reasons and felt that death would be a better place to be.
He knew he’d be hurting those around him-but you reach a point where you stop caring about how others will feel because you can no longer bear the pain of living. So this was the right decision for him at the time. Don’t blame yourself-you probably couldn’t do or say anything to stop him.
I’d recommend seeing a therapist to help you deal with the grief and loss. You can’t let this hold you back, it’s time for you to move on with your life. Your life wasn’t meant to be a guilt-ridden existence of depression over something you were not responsible for and had no control over. You’ve suffered enough don’t you think?
In my case I’ve grown to dislike people around me-meaning friends/family. Familiarity definitely breeds contempt. I barely get along with some relatives, others who I was close to once, I no longer see. I have yet to meet someone who didn’t end up turning out to be a rotten person later on. Granted I’m not claiming to be perfect either-but it seems few people care to put in the effort of trying to get along well with others, which leads to conflict and division.
So what I mean to say is that I won’t miss them the day I decide to end my life and I don’t think they’ll miss me much either, aside from the natural emotional responses all humans experience over the loss of someone they knew.
i had many people die around me, no matter what they die from it’s always untimely and sad, my brother and my mother, lives change, holidays are never the same, this is something we have to live with, and it’s going to happen to us till we die, your job is to deal with it and move on, get married and have your family if that’s what you want, you have to live for yourself, that’s the way it works, depression is a part of being human, everyone is or gets it, when you feel depressed that’s normal, depression is about thinking of something that makes you sad you can’t avoid that but you can say to yourself OK that’s enough! i can’t keep thinking about this sad shit every minute! i need to think about positive things and make plans and make my life better and the people around me, you can’t let it control your life, like a gambler that loses his money at the casino, get out of the casino and do something else or you will stay broke.
I am in the same situation as you are. It has been 2 months since I lost my younger brother to suicide. I had never thought someone in my family would do this. I am feeling like my life has ended with his death. I am going to work and back to life as I was before. But inside, its killing me. I am being normal outside just for my parents. I don’t know how long this continues. If this is going to haunt me life long then what is the use of being alive knowing I will never be happy. 🙁
TerribleLife, i had to chime in on your comment, yes it’s going to haunt you, it takes time to heal as time goes on you will think of it less and less and develop new things to think about, good or bad! but it does take time, just think if you didn’t feel anything that wouldn’t be so good either? best thing to do is not dwell on it, think about it yes and then say to yourself OK i’ve thought about time to think of something else, even the scales a bit. you can’t stop the thoughts from popping in your head but you can change the channel the control is in your hands.
Congratulations on your engagement and also by coming here to write your pain is the first step. Have your tried bereavement counseling?maybe its a second step to express yourself in a professional healing environment
I lost a work partner to suicide quite a while back. He killed himself on Valentine’s day. For the next 6 or 7 years that holiday was brutal for me. I blamed myself for not seeing it. Depression is tough, and if you haven’t felt it understanding what the person is going through is very hard, maybe even bordering on impossible. Its also different for every person. I am not quite to the point where I enjoy Valentine’s day again, but I don’t spend it thinking about how it should have been me or thinking about killing myself anymore. They are right about the tunnel vision, life is one part what happens to us and many more parts what we think about it.
Letting at least one close person in on how you feel could help. I know it can be hard to know who to trust that wont freak out. I am in much the same position.