Lair

For once I’m not using that word to describe me. He pisses me off just so much, he likes to pretend. He is probably a narcissist so it’s really not his fault that he can’t claim that he’s wrong, and can’t accept being told that he hasn’t experienced things…. Today he just wove a story about how he used to be suicidal for several years and was all like “You don’t know the things I’ve felt, you didn’t even know me then” but it’s so obviously bullshit. complete bullshit. I know if any of you knew him you’d know, and I’m sure you probably do know what I’m talking about too. As you’ve probably experienced it so much in the past, normally it doesn’t upset me and I normally don’t pursue it. Today I did though, no idea why. I can’t fucking talk to him about anything ever, never will. Why are we still friends? Oh yeah that’s right, because people hate me and rejects like him are the only ones willing to be my friend…. Yeah -_- I know that he’s never going to actually accomplish anything, he’s a loser just like I am. Although he will live a much happier and more “successful” life than I can ever dream of, so really I am far below him. Which he does like to remind me of often enough. It’s sad how somebody who’s on the bottom rung of society can rest their elbows on top of my head. -_- but meh it’s fine I’m probably going to kill myself soon. I’ve been having thoughts that have been just so hard to shake away, I just can’t push them aside like I normally can. Is it time? Apparently I want to suffocate too or something. Just can’t stop it with that urge to swallow things that I know I shouldn’t, things that could potentially get stuck in my throat. I just can’t push that thought away, also hanging is looking really appealing right now…. I am going to cut myself too, or at least was. Not sure now, I really was going to but I did decide to write here and now the stronger parts of that feeling are gone, I can probably deal with what’s left…. I’m tired, in so many ways 🙁 Why can’t I just be a decent person so I can have decent friends? 🙁 Or maybe more than like 4 at least -_-