In May, I tried overdosing. Well, it obviously didn’t work. I ended up being sent to a psych hospital for 11 days. Then I did a partial hospitalization program for 3 weeks, and then did an intensive outpatient program for 5 weeks. During that time, I quit self harming, quit abusing prescription drugs, and quit having suicidal thoughts.
It’s been 5.5 months since I first wound up in my inpatient place. But now that I’m “healed” or whatever the hell you want to call it….I feel weird. And I don’t like it. For whatever reason, I miss being how I used to be. I miss being apathetic and miss feeling suicidal. Part of me thinks I’m trying to push myself back to that point. I started drinking and self harming daily again. I don’t even know why. Is it crazy of me to miss being how I was? Has this happened to anyone else? Or am I just too fucked up?
6 comments
Part of me enjoys being the dark gloomy person I am, so I understand.
Negativity can fun kids!
I can see where you are coming from. Part of me believes ever so slightly that my depressive suicidal mind makes me a deeper or smarter person. Because my thoughts are so dark and happen so fast it somehow makes me feel like I have more common sense or something like that, hard to describe.
Hey, it’s been almost a year now since I last cut myself. I’m usually pretty content with my life. The reason that I personally miss the time when I was suicidal is because I had things, good things, that I don’t have right now. Like I used to be really open and talk to a guidance counselor whenever I needed and I had multiple friends that I was able to talk to and I formed a really good bond with most of my teachers. And now it’s like, I’m not in touch with any of my friends and the one friend I have left has to deal with her own personal problems so it’s best not to say anything.
Any of this sound familiar?
Everything you said is 100% familiar. Everything. I’m glad I’m not the only one who misses the things I had when I was suicidal.
Your post reminds me of the part in the movie Girl, Interrupted where the character Lisa yells to Susanna “You think you’re free? I’m free! You don’t know what freedom is! I’m free! I can breathe! And you – you’ll go choke on your average fuckin’ mediocre life!” I think as twisted as our brains are in my opinion depression makes me feel that I can see the truth, that I can see past the bullshit in the world. Perhaps the reality is quite the opposite and maybe our own deep pain and anguish truly makes us blind and unilateral in thinking, but for now my depression somehow makes me feel that while others are blind I can see…so I relate to your feelings while acknowledging the fact that we are just probably messed up.