some of us, in this time of society cannot be redeemed. certain times in history have put much negativity on certain groups of individuals, that there was no return to a prosperous life. things I have done will haunt my future until I die, as far as I can tell. I don’t live as much as exist. over a decade, I have lived maybe 2 years total. I constantly wait for another opportunity at a possibility of living. I get tired of waiting. some will say ” well do something about it”. so many restrictions overseen by others makes making opportunities nearly impossible. some of just know in their hearts that unless something happens, by me or some other means, moving on from this life is the only option. I would love to share the things I have been through and done, so someone feeling like posting on this forum can maybe see that they still have a chance to have a good life. but even here in the suicidal project I may be judged. maybe that’s what i will do some day. maybe even suicidal people will judge what i have done and prove exactly what I am saying. maybe that can be the final break and I can say goodbye to this life. not today though. today I’m just existing.
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I feel as though I just exist as well. I have felt that way for as long as I can remember. They say there is more to life than that but I don’t know how or if I could obtain it.
I can appreciate that. maybe some of us just don’t belong. I think at one point I may have but I hand lost and made my way so badly that there is no way back. I hope add some point you can get a glimpse of what more there is.
I know how you feel more than you can likely know. There is a characteristic about me that, while it has only existed in my mind and never materialized in the real-world, if it were to, it would be over for me, and it would have resulted in someone else being harmed in one way or another. I have no impulses of any kind, so it is not like I am at risk of doing anything that hurts someone else. But just realizing what I am, and the fact that I can never connect in the way that I yearn for without hurting those that I connect to, makes the future seem pretty pointless. At this point, I just keep going back and forth between wanting it over and wanting the universe to prove my assumption wrong that a connection cannot exist that doesn’t result in someone getting hurt. The “wanting it over” position is a much easier thing to rationalize, in my mind, I just need to get up to the threshold after nine years of being to the edge of it and back. What I am definitely doesn’t belong here. If you want to talk at all, feel free to email me at sacrificial_shaun @ yahoo.com (delete the spaces).