Struggling to go on alone

Throughout my childhood I struggled badly with depression, coasting through life without caring about anything. That changed during my junior year of high school, when i met a girl who had a childhood much like mine, and we quickly became attached to each other emotionally. I had fallen head over heels for this girl, she was so unlike any of the other women I have ever met in my life. Since neither of us have ever been particularly stable mentally, naturally this lead to many fights. Despite all of our breakups and makeups, we were still able to be there emotionally for each other.

After highschool, I had chosen to move a short distance to a local university, and she had chosen to move further away to another major city. Obviously we were unable to see each other, and this caused major problems for both of us. I was unable to stay interested in pursuing my degree due to major depression and suicide ideation, and my grades had suffered greatly during my second year. She was always superior academically, and as a result her grades were very good, despite all the anguish she was going through. But after getting a phone call from her one night, I learned she and a friend had tried to kill themselves. She barely survived, and moved back home before the semester ended. I ended up flunking all my classes and barely made it home in one piece.

That happened three and a half years ago, in 2013. I havent been able to hold a job down for longer than a couple months since then. Since i was unemployed and she never worked, I spent much of my time with her since there was nothing else I wanted to do with my life. I was happy to just spend every day beside her, too depressed to want anything more. During that time we werent dating but were together so often that it felt like it. She would often seek out new relationships while I was content being alone with her as my best friend. We would often tell each other how important we were to each other, and that it wouldnt change regardless of the circumstances. Her family loved me because I took care of her, and was there for her when no one else was, so they accepted me as part of the family, even if she was seeing someone else.

During this time our intimacy grew to new levels. She has always been a submissive type, so i often found myself playing the dom role in our fantasies. Because of this, we grew so comfortable with one another that there were no longer any boundries between us. One fantasy of ours was a daddy/daughter situation, and I would whisper in her ear that I was always free to do whatever I wanted to her, whenever I wanted.

6 months ago, in early 2016, I was still moping around, spending much of my time with her, still not trying to get a better/permanent job or go back to school. I had to travel abroad to see family, so we were unable to see each other for quite some time. Within a few hours of landing back home I found myself by her side once again. She said she had been seeing other people while I was gone, but it was obvious that she had missed me so much because she was unable to keep herself off me from the second i arrived.

Although we were around each other once again, we werent hanging out as often as before, as she was spending time with others she had recently met. Despite that, we had become more intimate than we had been in a while, and were constantly hooking up. After she experienced an exponentially bad period a month after I returned, we were unable to be intimate for the most part because it caused her too much pain, but as a result spent most of our time together since she didnt want me to leave her side. Once her period resided, she was extremely horny all the time, and we couldnt keep ourselves off each other. One of the fantasys we developed in the past involved one partner engaging in some sort of sexual activity with the other while they were asleep, perhaps since we were always sleeping over at each others homes throughout the years, and always slept completely naked embracing each other.

A month after her period resided, she had a bad fight with her mom, and I found myself sleeping next to her every day because she was so upset. We had been drinking every day that week, and that night we went back to my place and started hooking up on my bed for what seemed like the umpteenth time that month. She fell asleep while I went to the bathroom, and I recalled her saying earlier how badly she wanted to fuck tonight, so I ate her out until she orgasmed and then fucked her into another orgasm, which had become somewhat of a nightly occurrence at this point.

The next day started like usual, and then I dropped her off at home. I had to play soccer that night so we had made plans to potentially meet up later that night since she was going out with a few girl friends. I didnt end up seeing her so I just went to bed alone for the first time in a week. She ignored my texts until she called me later in the day, crying. She said that I had raped her, and that her friends and family knew, that I would never see or speak to her again, and that she could have me arrested if she wanted. Her mom messaged me later that day saying I was a despicable human being and that I shouldnt ever show my face at their home again. It was such a shock to me that I had a mental breakdown that night, and made yet another unsuccessful attempt at ending my life.

Its been 3 months since that happened, and I havent seen or spoken to her since. Despite trying to move on with my life, starting school again, being as active as ever, I havent felt this depressed since before I had even met her, over 7 years ago, when i was 16. I dont even know how it got to this, it all happened so suddenly and expectedly, it caught me off guard completely. Everything seemed like it was going great for the first time in years. From the very start I would always tell her that she should always speak her mind, and let me know when things were wrong, or if I, her, or anyone had done something wrong. She was always open with me, so I wasnt worried about anything. She had seemed so happy leading up to that, her smile a constant reminder that I was doing something right, despite all the rough times we had both been going through recently.

Despite being a somewhat attractive, socially and physically active bisexual male, I have always found it impossible to find new relationships, so I had given up on myself long ago, and was more than happy to be single and give all my love to my best friend, my soulmate, her. She on the other hand always finds new people with ease, so im sure she has already found someone new. After hearing my best friend, the love of my life, my soulmate, call me a rapist, undoing almost a decade of trust and intimacy, I dont think I can ever forgive myself for pushing her to do this. How can someone so trustworthy and loving so suddenly be willing to throw away everything theyve ever known? Ive clearly done something horribly wrong to genuinely believe I am now a rapist. After so many unsuccessful suicide attempts ive come to the conclusion that im just not meant to die yet, or maybe im just too afraid to actually pull the plug after all my friends and family have grown tired of reminding me about how I cant do that to them. Maybe one day she will speak to me again, but for now I will continue to tear myself apart, slowly losing my sanity as each day passes in this pathetic excuse I call my life.

I dont expect anyone to read any of this, or react positively whatsoever, I just needed to get this off my chest.