I wish i could focus on things. I don’t have ADD or anything so its not like this shit should be hard, but for some reason it is? Im just really annoyed at myself, because i have a ton of stuff to do, but I’m not doing any of it. Instead im just wasting my time watching shitty youtube videos. I wish i could get away with not doing this stuff and avoid all of the stress that its causing me, but i have literally no reason to do that. Like what, i’m failing at writing one fucking lab draft for tomorrow, and doing my goddamn work for a change? This is making me want to off myself more than usual? God, im so pathetic. I can’t even use being suicidal as an excuse, cause who’s gonna believe me without a professional diagnosis? I looked at going to a therapist but the nearest appointment is like 12 weeks away, and you can only call in a 30 minute window if its “urgent”. Like I dont know if I’m going to be alive in 12 weeks time, let alone if im going to be busy. And in any case, I joke about killing myself so much anyway that people are probably used to it by now. I kinda wish my cancer diagnosis hadnt been picked up on as early. Maybe that way I’d be dead, or at least still in hospital on all kinds of drugs. That way i wouldnt have to be dealing with this. I’m not even technically dealing with jack shit though. I’m just being a lazy piece of garbage who can’t even do one fucking task. The thing is, I know i have to hand this in because im basically failing this course otherwise, and if i dont my lab tutor is going to yell at me. He hasnt yelled at anyone before, but i just know he will.

The worst part of all of this pointless mess is that i actually had motivation over the weekend. Like, for 3 hours i didn’t want to kill myself. Life felt like it wasn’t so bad, and i actually got shit done? I was so hopeful for those 3 hours that maybe I’d get shit done, and then i woke up this morning and wanted to die. this keeps happening and i hate it. I feel like mould- disgusting, slow moving, and probably increases everyone around me’s chances of getting cancer (that was a really shit joke, just in case it was so bad it fell under people’s heads. and like, faceplanted in the ground)