Wish I could just be honest with people, and just tell em what I’m thinking. Why should I be embarrased by this? I’m sure my relatives suspect I’m suicidal having come out of a recent berevament. I’ve been barely sober the past few months, and practically all of my thoughts have been about suicide, and the only method I’ve got right now has been lying down on train tracks which is a fucking terrifying thought that has given me panic attacks. It’s not fair on other people, but I understand why people do it when they ain’t got any other method, and desperation eventually takes over.
I think for my short term mental well being I’ll just need to accept that I might be here for a while at least, try to stay sober a bit more, and when the time is right travel to some cliffs or something.
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Strange as it may seem, you sound quite sane to me. This is not an easy or kind world, and many of us do not want to live in it. May you find your high cliff, enjoy the view, and not jump off.
Grief. Such deep grief. I am so sorry you are in this state.
I have been where you are. Drunk. Grieving. My toes on the edge of a cliff so steep I’m dizzy thinking of the fall. Staying drunk helped. I stayed drunk for years. On and off. Greif. Good God the toes on the edge of the cliff for years make me breathless with wonder. That feeling. I can stay or go, but for now I will just hang my toes over the edge and stay drunk.
Somewhere along the way I turned and started walking. Slowly walking forward. Nothing special. Just a slow migration away from the cliff while life happened around me. That deep sorrow I had didn’t leave, but it became something different. Something I could live with. Something I can now use as a touch stone I use to have a connection to humanity. There is no connection with humanity without pain or sorrow. Folks think it is joy or common interests that join humanity, but truthfully? It is the sorrow and the shit of daily living that joins us.
Thank you for sharing. Thank you for joining hands with me for a brief moment.