There’s no way to make things ok. That’s not just me being defeatist. Sure, I’m depressed, but there are reasons. Some things you just can’t make right. Some sins are too terrible to redeem.
I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to feel this way about myself anymore. I don’t want to feel this way about the world anymore. I just want it all to go away.
The last 10 years of my life have been me running from the truth.
I’m scared of death. While there’s life, there’s possibility. Except there’s no possibility of me ever being happy. Not really. I’m alone, even when I’m with people. Because my continued existence is a lie.
I’m afraid to die. But how can I go on living, knowing that it’s all for nothing. That I will never have any genuine connection, ever again. That I will be alone with this.
The only way is denial. But for what? So I can keep getting older, and more isolated, and my false hope can gradually drain away?
I’m scared of death. What if what I’ve done finally catches up with me. What if I finally have to face judgement for it. I don’t believe in god, or an afterlife, or a soul. But what if I’m wrong.
Nothing matters. Nothing means anything anymore. I think I probably shouldn’t be here if that’s the case.
1 comment
I can relate to what you described. Going through life with a terrible feeling, and feeling alone even when you’re with someone. I’m the same. It sucks badly. Hang in there, maybe there is hope for you yet