Since it seems I’m not going to be ending my life (at least for the time being), that leaves me trying to improve my current experience. I’m just not sure how. I’m so tired, afraid, isolated, despairing, full of self-hatred etc. Then there’s all the physical discomfort I’m in. I just want to zone out and totally disconnect from reality. But I can’t. If I’m going to try and survive, I need to find some way to function.
But I don’t know how to do that without making myself feel worse. There always seems to be some reminder of my inferiority, my worthlessness, how hopeless it is for me. It just sends me spiralling straight back into the ‘I want to die’ mindset. I’m stuck in this endless loop. I need to figure out some way of engaging with a world that rightfully despises me. But I have nothing to fall back on – no real reasons to live. I’m primarily not killing myself because I’m afraid – of the effect it would have on my parents, and of the possibility of being trapped in a worse state beyond death.
There’s nothing much else for me to live for – no connection is possible. I don’t have the strength in me to face the reality of who I am and my situation. I’m completely alone, floundering in the dark.