If it’s cowardice that’s stopping me, is that something I should try to overcome? Would that even be possible?
If it’s because I don’t want to devastate my parents, then why isn’t that enough to motivate me to get my shit together and do what I need to to survive?
If I’m always going to be alone, and the main purpose of life is connection with others, then what’s the point in continuing?
If I’m an unforgivably terrible person, and the world would be better off without me, then why aren’t I doing the right thing and ending it?
If my mind generates high levels of emotional suffering, and I’m in significant persistent physical discomfort, and there’s potential for things to get far worse in future, and little prospect of them getting better, then why am I putting myself through this?
If all of my hopes, dreams, and fantasies are delusional, then what is this for?
How does one live with this level of despair without dysfunctional escape into delusion and addiction?
Is the possibility of a worse existence beyond death even worth considering?
I really wish that someone could help me with any of these questions. But I don’t think anybody can. I don’t think there’s anybody who has had my twisted experience of reality who has ‘come out the other side’. There are no role models or mentors. There is no path.
I don’t believe in religion. I don’t think any of my therapists really understood. Having listened to many a scientist and philosopher I don’t think there would be anything meaningful to say about my case from those disciplines.
I’m on my own with this. And I don’t have a fucking clue.