I have this constant longing for a relationship. And I don’t think I’m capable of being in one. Not just right now, but ever. I don’t think there’s anything I can do to become someone that anyone would want to be with. And that’s the part that really sucks – the hopelessness. When I was young I could tell myself a positive narrative about the things I lacked in life. That I’d grow as a person, overcome my difficulties and get there in the end. And that puts your mind at ease. It allows you to be ok with it. Whereas now I still have […]
thehusk
I’m so tired of being this. Sad, lost, full of regret and resentment. I don’t want to be this broken thing anymore. It hurts. It’s not an existence that’s worth living. I don’t have it in me to be anything better. There’s too many obstacles, and some of them just can’t be overcome.
I feel like very little focus has been given by society to the question of how to cope with having to give up on one’s deepest needs/desires/longings. The assumption always seems to be that with the right fix, the right help, everything is achievable, for everybody. And I just don’t think that’s the case.
Sometimes, there are things that feel crucially important that you just can’t pursue, without compromising other fundamental needs, or putting the wellbeing of others at risk. And acknowledging that to yourself doesn’t stop the longing for those things. It doesn’t make the pain go away.
Example – a significant part of me deeply […]
Every now and then I get an explicit reminder of what I spend my life trying to deny. That no one will ever be able to accept me, or love me, without me deceiving them about who I am on a fundamental level. That no matter whose company I spend my time in, or who I may share some level of physical intimacy with, I will always feel utterly alone, and isolated. There is no solution for this longing I feel – for acceptance, emotional intimacy, mutual connection. To be actually seen by another human being, and valued. To be able to lower my guard […]
There is nothing for me in this life. Nothing in my day to day existence that I care about enough to make it worthwhile. No future possibilities open to me that seem worth pursuing. And that feels… intolerable. Unacceptable. I don’t know how to live without any positive motivation. And that doesn’t mean I’m going to kill myself. Unless my fear of continuing to live overwhelms my fear of death, I doubt I’ll ever do it. Which means I’ll likely go on existing, growing more and more miserable, bitter, and full of pain.
And contemplating that reality makes it seem even more unbearable. So I desperately […]
I believe in the possibility of life being meaningful, worthwhile, positive. I once felt that way about my own life. I see others living the kind of life I want. Of course you can never tell from the outside, and the grass always seems greener on the other side of the tree. But they seem content. By which I mean; not caught in a constant loop of longing and despair. Not consumed by loneliness, regret, depression. Actively engaged with life, with the world. Pursuing plans, learning, growing, becoming better as people. Functioning far above the minimum necessary for survival.
What I struggle with is that, feeling […]
I spend so much of my time trying to escape from my reality. Especially at night. All I want is for the awareness to go away. The awareness that my life is meaningless, that I will live and die alone. I often take sleeping pills. They work, but they leave me feeling worse the next day, drained of energy and barely able to get out of bed. And my dreams while on them tend to be pretty weird – lots of anxiety. But the alternative is spending hours sitting with my awareness, too tired to divert my mind or focus on anything else. Hour after […]
There’s a kind of mental suffering that’s hard to put your finger on or express, but I guess I’m trying to process that. I’d say one aspect comes from the awareness that you’re not a good person. Not just in terms of your actions, but also your emotions. Your desires. What you want from the world is not good. And you can’t just stop desiring something. That’s not how that works. So you continue to feel the desire, while simultaneously being aware that it’s wrong. And I think as a result you become alienated from yourself on a fundamental level, which is deeply painful. You […]
I’ve tried to express this before, but there’s something absurd about experiencing desires that cannot be satisfied. I can recognise that yearning after these things is making me miserable – that it would be far better for me to let them go. Even that letting go of such things is a necessary condition for any human to be happy and fulfilled in the long term, that they’re ultimately superficial and unnecessary.
My life would be better in so many ways if I just didn’t want the things that I want, or if I didn’t feel the desire so intensely. But if someone were to offer to […]
I wonder how much more miserable you can become without killing yourself
I spend most of each day lying in a darkened room. I don’t see anybody, or speak to anybody. No one knows I exist. Nobody thinks about me. Apart from close family, no one cares. I feel tired all the time. Broken. I have no drive, no fight, no energy to improve things. I’m defeated.
I still eat. I suppose there’s a deeper level of depression, where you’re completely catatonic and don’t even do the basics to keep yourself alive.
Beyond my parents, who I see once a fortnight, I have nobody. I have none of the social skills you need to build new relationships, and I’m […]
I hate what I am. What I let myself become. But I suppose a part of me also loves it. Otherwise I wouldn’t still be clinging on.
There’s so many things you can do in life, so many things you can be. And I chose this. Maybe not consciously. But still.
Pretty much my entire adulthood, I haven’t really been trying to live. I’ve been too busy running from myself.
Because for all that time, it’s been clear. No matter what I do from this point on, I’ll always be a piece of shit.
So why bother? Why try? Why take care of your health and your body? Why […]
What’s stopping me? Fear of death/attachment to ideas about life. It’s hard to distinguish between the two. What’s so terrifying about an end to this life?
The finality of it? Knowing it’s something that can’t be undone? A final end to all hopes, dreams, plans, concerns. Letting go, of everything. An end to all that the self is, or thinks it is. Maybe that’s what’s terrifying.
Or is it that I’m afraid it won’t be the end? That the things I’ve done in this life will somehow torment me beyond. That the judgement I’ve been running from for so long will finally hit me. No more running, […]
Denial is difficult to maintain. In order to function and remain alive, I must engage with reality to some extent. But then inevitably reminders of the truth leak in, And the truth feels unbearable. I don’t know how to live with the truth. I don’t want to live with the truth. I don’t want to live as the person who’s done the things I’ve done, or seen the things I’ve seen. I can’t stand it, seeing myself as that person. There’s no meaning in living in that reality. Maybe I’m too proud, or narcissistic, or conceited, or idealistic. Whatever the fuck it is, acknowledging that […]
It’s hard to motivate yourself when you know there are only bad options. No matter which you choose, it won’t be what you need. Some paths are still less shitty than others. But most of them end in more or less the same place.
The path I tell myself I’ve chosen is one of gradually letting go, of the obsessions, cravings, and regrets that consume me. But also of the hopes and dreams that I cling to to keep me going. Perhaps whoever I’ll be at the end of that road is less miserable.
But that path requires a lot of work, which I never get to. […]
So… for a few years now, I’ve been quietly dreading the death of the family dog. She’s nearly 16 now, very old for a retriever. She’s actually my parents’ dog, but they got her while I was still living with them, and I raised her for the first few months, and spent a lot of time caring for her/playing with her over the years. For a while I was her substitute “parent” – she used to fall asleep on me when she was a puppy. As sad as it is to say, it’s probably the closest I’ll get to an actual parental/caring role in my […]
I’m tired of being this. And I don’t think I have it in me to be anything else. I tell myself that I’m going to change, but I never actually do anything. Deep down, I don’t really believe anything is worth doing. I’ve ruined my life, and ruined my mind, and any changes at this point can only marginally delay the ship sinking.
I think the biggest struggle for me is getting myself to do anything beyond the bare minimum. All the tiny little things that might make my life a bit less shitty. I do so few of them. Because why push myself to improve things a small amount, if they’re still going to suck?
Ever since I broke my sense of meaning by deviating so far from morality, I’ve been in this perpetual state of lethargy. 16 years now. Pretty much my entire adulthood. I wake up, and try to force myself out of bed. Remind myself of all the things I should be doing, why I’m […]
I’ve written variations of this many times before, but I’m still trying to figure it out.
The majority of my suffering is self-generated. Meaning it emerges as a result of who I am as a person. I obviously have my fair share of physical aches and pains, which are less directly down to problems with who I am. But the mental stuff feels far worse, and it’s generally completely unnecessary. No purpose is served by my being swallowed by feelings of isolation, loss and despair.
I wouldn’t expect to ever have complete control over my emotions. But it seems like it is possible to alter over time […]
The dissonance between the raging sickness inside and whatever passes for my conscience grows more intense daily. It’s so bizarre to feel so emotionally hijacked and captivated by it one moment, and a few hours later to catch myself moralising the actions of others and feeling for the pain of the world. How could such opposite creatures exist within the same head. I feel I must be lying to myself about any pretence of empathy The sick part of me must rule all, must define me. And in the eyes of any outsider, it understandably will.
I think the reality is probably that my extreme inhumanity […]
I don’t mean the kind of failure where you don’t reach particular goals or aspirations. That kind applies to everyone. I don’t mean superficial failings, like not being attractive or financially successful, though I have certainly failed in those aspects. I don’t even mean more fundamental life failures, like not finding a partner, friends, a career, or building a family, though again I have absolutely failed in those areas. What I’m trying to get at is a more basic failing, that makes all the rest near impossible to work on.
I have failed morally. As a human being. To cultivate a personality and psychology worthy of […]