Comitment

Hello. I’ve got no idea why I haven’t gone through with it yet. Everyday, 24/7 I think about it. Every waking moment I want to do it. But why haven’t I done it yet? If I keep thinking about it so much and I’ve decided that I don’t care anymore, why I am still here? Why do I still get up in the morning? Why haven’t I gotten a kitchen knife, locked my door, and gotten the deed done with? Why do I still insist on doing the work and going to school and eating if I don’t care anymore? What is keeping me here? What makes my legs move and my heart beat and my head think if it doesn’t want to? What is driving me? Why do I do any of this, if I don’t want to? I don’t understand it. It should be easy. I’ve gone over the scenario one million times in my head. Quick and painless. No one to disturb me. By the morning I would have lost too much blood and pass. That would be that. So why can’t I do it? I should just be able to get up right now and do it. I don’t understand it. Thanks for listening.