This is it. I had a full-blown mental breakdown three days ago. At work.
I’ve lost my mind.
I went crazy, slapping hot wheels for falling, talking to myself in public, yelling at the security cameras, flipping off customers who were rude, and crying in a ball in the maintenance cubby. I’M INSANE. My parents think I went off my rocker, like they always do, my sister still hates my guts and uses me when she needs help, and all I have are the dogs. But, God forbid, my old school sent a letter to my mom about whether or not I’m attending another high school.
I have to get my GED or they might kick me out, and since I’m broke and get paid less than 800 a month, I’m screwed and nuts. I’ve lost my connection to reality, if I ever had one, so I’m dead.
All I can do is listen to MCR and Melanie in my huge sweater, on my bed. I have an hour till another shift, and I’m shaking.
I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t. If I find any method in whatever time, I’m doing it. I can’t handle this thing called life.
I’m sorry.
7 comments
Meds not working or did you go off them?
What about therapy, not covered or parents refusing?
You need to act on what’s going on, you can’t just ” School-work-bed+dogs”-repeat, Bipolar alone can be a *****, and I got a feeling other stuff is going on too, so you need to treat it, and not just lock your self in “normal routine”.
I can guarantee it just gets worse if nothing gets done or changes.
and I know your parents sucks A bigtime, but then you have to step up and care for your self. You need to give it a try before you give up
Do you work odd hours? Because sleep is super important for your mental health.
Do not blame yourself. This was your attempt at telling the world that you are desperate. Sometimes that is necessary.
Hugs
I understand that feeling of having a break and losing it. I’ve had that too, but I truly don’t think it’s insanity. It sounds like you are under immense pressure like me. To me if a customer is being rude you should be able to tell them to get fucked, but that’s considered unprofessional. The way things are in this society are ridiculous. People are so goddamned repressed from being themselves. But things are finally starting to change. Don’t die before the change happens.
The Trees
Rush
There is unrest in the forest
There is trouble with the trees
For the maples want more sunlight
And the oaks ignore their pleas
The trouble with the maples
And they’re quite convinced they’re right
They say the oaks are just too lofty
And they grab up all the light
But the oaks can’t help their feelings
If they like the way they’re made
And they wonder why the maples
Can’t be happy in their shade?
There is trouble in the forest
And the creatures all have fled
As the maples scream ‘oppression!’
And the oaks, just shake their heads
So the maples formed a union
And demanded equal rights
‘The oaks are just too greedy
We will make them give us light’
Now there’s no more oak oppression
For they passed a noble law
And the trees are all kept equal
By hatchet,
Axe,
And saw
Things definitely change if you just wait it out. If my son had lived just another 6 months, he would have seen medical marijuana legalized in Florida. He would have noticed all the new jobs opening up that he would qualify for in our area. He would have discovered many of his problems went away….things are different. I know there were things that he wanted and things that bothered him and those things are resolved now. Instead, he left me and his brother and grandmother in pain. i think the three of us are the most devastated and we will suffer until the day we die because of his suicide.
Thank you guys, much love to you all. I’m feeling better now, the sever mood swings were from my moods cycling between a depressive back to manic high from Bipolar Disorder. I’m not nuts, I just forgot how it felt from three months ago, which was my last change. I’m okay now. Although, today at work, I did get a nosebleed, but other than that I’m fine outside of a headache from it. Oh, and yeah, I work odd hours in retail, and honestly the stress and lack of sleep have been contributing to it all. But, hey, I’ll get through this, even if I have suicidal thoughts and post on here a lot, maybe too much.
Even if I never win the fight, I’ll never give up.
If you are on your meds, and they are working properly, something like this really shouldn’t happen on it’s own without a major trigger.
So if there was no trigger, might be time to get meds reevaluated and dosage checked, just so it’s less likely to happen again.
Glad to hear you won’t give up, keep fighting and take care of your self.
Best wishes