Opening up

This is as real as I have ever been and as real as I can get. I had a horrific childhood. I was tortured in every conceivable way by the people who were supposed to protect me. This is the reason why I started making jokes. I would make jokes as my brothers would throw darts at me, slit my throat, strangle me until I passed out and so much more. I made jokes because comedy was what I used as a means to survive the pain. I hid behind it and built walls around it. And honestly, I’m terrified because I don’t know what’s behind those walls anymore. I don’t know what’s left of that innocent little boy. And because of this, people don’t see the real me. They see the comedian. They don’t see the struggles. They don’t see the compassion and the big heart. They don’t see that I would do anything to make someone smile. That I want to protect people the way that the innocent little boy should have been protected. They don’t see how much I try to make this world beautiful. And they don’t see the monster. I was surrounded by monsters and it taught me that you either become them or you learn from them. I never became like them but I still have a monster inside of me. A monster that has hurt people when they got too close. A monster that pushes people away because it was taught not to trust others. This monster hurt the people I love the most and because of this, my walls got higher and stronger, to lock this monster inside just as I had done with that innocent little boy. It’s the reason I can’t tell people I love them anymore. It’s the reason I keep an emotional distance. Not because I don’t love but because I’m so afraid that the monster will escape. It’s so hard wanting to make people smile and protect them when you’re so scared that you might be the one they need protecting from. So that monster stays inside, with only one victim, myself. And it tells me to never open up. It reminds me of what happened when I did the first time as a child and the last time as an adult. And it tells me everyday that if I make jokes, everything is going to be ok and so each day until today I would either make jokes or stay silent. But I will not be silenced anymore, so today I finally replied to the monster and I said that nothing will ever be ok until I can see this world through my eyes instead of my past and as the monster stayed silent, I started knocking the walls down.