I think the hardest part for me about this whole process is perfecting these notes to my family and friends. Especially the one to my girlfriend.
Being a perfectionist isn’t helping. I am ready to leave this world, but I can never get these letters right. I just keep adding. Editing. And then there’s times I feel like just screwing it all and just ending it without finishing these letters because each day I spend writing these things and never feeling satisfied with them is bothering me even more. Because it’s just another day I’m still stuck in this same process. But I know I won’t do that. I just want this to somehow feel right. I want loving closure.
Just so much to say. So much to apologize for. So much to try and fix with words what can’t be fixed in reality anymore. So much I want to be able to explain. But feeling annoyed that nothing ever feels completely right when I write it all down. Just feeling so selfish at times with what I wind up writing down. It’s maddening.
Anybody else have trouble writing goodbye letters?
6 comments
Yes. I must have written around 2000 letters. Don’t know where they are, everything I have ever written on my computer is a suicide note. So whichever note they first see I don’t think they can see all of them it will take an eternity and yes they’re all ‘last letters’ Lol.
If you feel that Ur note won’t satisfy what you wish to say and explain what’s wrong.. Try talking to them. With so many last notes to write you seem to have a lot of people who love you. You are lucky. Don’t lose out on it. You will scar people for life with what you are about to do. And it definitely will not solve whatever u are upset about. When u feel like ending it, give it 24 hours and try n do things that make u feel happy. Go back to Ur happy place. And if it doesn’t help try confessing to somebody. Somebody who cares. They may not be able to understand u at first. But when they see Ur suicide note ones ur gone. I’m sure they will be wishing that something had been done before
I have unfortunately been like this for about a full year now. And before that year, I was joyous, fulfilled, and living a perfectly purposeful life with the most love you can imagine. Irrational choices and a terrible turn of events have thwarted me too far off my destined path. I can no longer get back or create something out of this. Trust me, I don’t want to do this at all. But I’ve realized that it is actually literally impossible to heal now. I don’t know how to live like this, after knowing what the enlightenment of true purpose feels like. What I really need is to be able to go back to a very specific day and change the entire course of my life. But I cannot. This isn’t where I was supposed to be. Sad.
Iam sorry to know that things that were great turned gloom now. I wish I could do something but all I want to say is you were supposed to be here I have seen this in life. I was supposed to post on sp I was supposed to be done with life. You were supposed to enjoy life at one time and slowly fall apart. Things that look best to decorate come down sooner. The impermanence of happiness is heart wrenching. I know, that I was supposed to die in agony and aches. I know I wouldn’t be anywhere else if I wasn’t hanging out on SP. And whatever that’s yet to come I know that’s supposed to be. It’s a dream only death will awaken us. It’s a game and we got no controls.. maybe satan got controls of this world looking at how evil human race is. Possessed by satan. Anyways hope you’re having a good day even after feeling like shit.
Take care.
I always figured the people in my life don’t deserve a note. They don’t listen to me now, why should I try to talk to them when I’m dead? I feel like it would torment them more to leave them nothing. If I could leave them with as much emotional pain as they gave me, I’d be satisfied.
Theres’s a nice piece of thought. I respect that 🙂