When it comes down to it, I’m pretty fucking shallow. Sex is at the root of all my thought processes. Be it doing things to distract myself from the fact that I’m not getting any, to trying to planning ways to make myself more attractive or increase my self-confidence, ultimately, it’s all about sex. It’s the only thing that really means anything to me, deep down. It’s not that I don’t want an emotional connection. But I think for me, subconsciously, that’s just a slightly more complicated/less primal path to dependable sex. Maybe everyone’s like that underneath. I don’t know. It makes sense to me, given our evolutionary development.
The problem, of course, is that evolution is competitive. We’ve developed to reject indications of weakness in each other. To subconsciously evaluate and rank those around us in terms of fitness. To gravitate towards the most dominant personalities, symmetrical features, and signs of physical health. Wherever you go, there is always status. There is always a pecking order.
This would be fine if everyone could just accept their place. But evolution seemingly rewards those who don’t settle. So we strive to become more desirable, and climb the ranking. We accrue power and wealth, and gain influence through high status careers. We spend our money on cosmetics to cover up our physical imperfections. We cultivate images of outgoing confidence and popularity on social media. We work out, and remove our body hair.
Ultimately though, in every competition, there has to be losers. Those whose physical blemishes are too large to hide. Whose minds cannot handle the constant measures necessary to compete. It’s a never ending arms race, and no matter how many new methods of self-improvement are introduced, somebody has to fall short.
Someone is going to have to face rejection. To face the fact that they are judged inferior, and of insufficient biological worth to reach the goal their mind has set for itself. Which leads to depression, anger, feelings of worthlessness etc. The suffering is baked in to the foundations of the system. Of course, some overcome such feelings to return to the game. But the more often such rejections are repeated, the harder they are to overcome.
This may all simply be my distorted view of the world. It’s certainly a dark and lonely one, so it could well be the product of my twisted little addict brain. Most people seem to settle down fairly happily without giving it too much thought. But once you see the world in these terms, then I think it’s hard to engage.
I don’t want to compete – maybe because I’m afraid I’ll lose, but also because I’m afraid I’ll win. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life performing a role. Asserting myself over others. Pretending to a confidence that I don’t possess.
I think I’m just too broken.
2 comments
I can very much relate. That has been my focus too, all my life.
But if I am honest with myself, the competition is less stiff than it is made out to be.
And I do not think you have to perform a role in order to have satisfying relationships. I think part of it is practise. And part of it is simply a better understanding of how mating works (see the Mating Grounds website for more information).
Occasionally, I see a (to me) loathsome guy with the attention of all the women, and I feel inferior and depressed, because I want those women, but I do not want to be like that guy, in fact, he epitomizes everything I despise.
However, partly my judgement might be superficial, he might be a lot more appealing beneath the charmless veneer. And partly, there is room for variation in mating. Not all women like the same type of guy. Sure, there are commonalities, but there is also room for variation.
The key would seem to be to try to appeal to as many women as possible, while doing as few things as possible that go against your interests and values.
To be more attractive to women, you basically need to take care of your mental and physical health by sleeping, eating healthily and exercising sensibly. Self-defence training is a plus. Being funny (think comedy improv) is a plus. You should do co-ed activities you personally enjoy in order to meet women in a natural setting. Find a job if you do not have one. Keep your home tidy and clean. Wash your hair and body, brush your teeth, floss, that kind of thing. Groom. Wear clothes that fit you. I think that is pretty much it.
When I get most depressed, it all feels like a system set up to make me miserable: here I am struggling, and I am just not the TYPE of guy who is good with women, those assholes get all the girls, feminists hate my guts, I am a loser, bla bla bla
But if I am honest with myself, I have experienced mutual attraction. I have had women I was really attracted to show genuine interest. I just did not capitalize on it, and that is squarely on me.
Oh yeah, I forgot THE principle of mating:
Women choose, men pursue.
That is really important to wrap your head around. You need to pursue the women you are attracted to to have a chance. Not “pursue” in a creepy, stalkerish, rapey way. Pursue as in: show obvious interest, let her know you like her, ask her out, discover if she likes you back. If not, move on, if yes, good on you.
The reason it is this way is not radical feminism or something, it is evolutionarily baked into the way sexual species work.