There’s something terribly wrong with my mind. I used to fall asleep fast, because that’s how excited I was about the day that would follow. I used to wake up in the morning, excited about going to school and seeing my friends and teachers. I used to smile a real smile at the people around me. I used to laugh when something funny happened, and added more humor to whatever it was. I used to not care at all about the negative treatments received from those bad people around me. I used to trust and open up to others when I needed to. I used to randomly do kind things to others and felt good about it. I used to love myself.
Now I’m like the opposite of everything I just mentioned. I now cry myself to sleep at night, hoping to disappear the next morning. I now wake up in the morning, disappointed that I didn’t die in my sleep or something. I now avoid anything that would put a smile to my face, because only more tragedy will follow that fake smile I make. I barely trust anyone anymore, not even my best friend (she’s a usually more comforting than my parents). I now hate myself more than I ever had.
I don’t know what else to say.
2 comments
It’s good not to trust people to some degree because we’re all humans and we’re bound to hurt each other in different ways (imho), but that also shuts people out. That creates a disconnect from the rest of the world and specially the people that surrounds you (and it’s noticeable to them too, even if they don’t realize it), and makes you more isolated in return.
Keep in mind that everyone is different, so what you’ve gone through with the friends you’ve had so far is not going to be the same experience than the one you could have with other friends you could make along the line. Best friends change, and some go completely but others arrive, that’s just life.
Sadly it doesn’t get easier, but there’s always the possibility that things might change for the better (even if it takes time and some effort on your end). Even if that possibility might seem slim, it does help a bit to sleep better and to have a bit more of positivity, which does help a bit to deal with everyday life. And hey, you always have music too, tbh i wouldn’t be able to make it most days without it, hah.
Hey, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Most of the people I used to call friends left me too. What sucks is that they left without an explanation or reason, like my best friend… but sadly, that’s just how most people are nowadays. It’s rare to find a person that won’t let you down and that will always be there for you through good and bad times, but eventually as time goes by you’ll meet someone that truly cares abut you. And we have to learn how to appreciate them because those types of people are hard to find. I believe that as time goes by things will get better for you and you will be able to smile again like you used to.