Lately I’ve been like all over the place. I am definitely not bi-polar. But it’s like one minute I’ll be feeling super up and motivated and the next I’m just totally emotionally wrecked. Also, I’ve been having weird issues like my spelling is all whacked out and my wording is all bizarre. I used to have impeccable english skills and now it’s like I’ll re-read some of the things I post here and I’m like, “Wow, did I write that?” I have a pretty good sense of humor about it. But still.
A also deactivated my facebook. No idea why I did that. I’ve also been dealing with some pretty intense hypersomnia and exercise has become sporadic. My therapist, (no offense to the man, he means well and he’s got a sweet heart.) is kind of a joke. He’s uncomfortable with serious discussions (which is his day job haha), and is incapable of giving advice. He just tells me what I already know. It’s difficult being the rainman of psychology though. (I’m wondering if I meant that as a compliment to myself or not.)
I don’t know. Lately I’ve been pretty isolated. My friend group is shrinking right after I had built it up to a consistent like five or so. Which sucks. I brought it on myself last year. I had a huge pool of friends that I was intimate with and we shared mutual loyalty. I had a falling out with pretty much all of them in pursuit of a girl I thought I would marry (thanks for that by the way sweetheart.) And made literally the exact same mistake this year. The odds on that I feel like are astronomical but maybe it’s the peculiar problems exclusive to dating within my state.
I’m trying to stay positive but I’ve also been feeling a lot of anger, and hatred and rage lately and I never feel anger or hate. I don’t know where that’s coming from. Like I am genuinely confused by this.
No idea why I keep using like as an verbal pause in my written speech. Just ignore that.
It seems like the only people who consistently care about what’s going on with me are people from Africa who want me to pay for them to come to America (so sweet.) or girls from India or Nepal who are looking for an American Husband. (I’m more interested in love, but I’m flattered.)
I just wish I had a real friend to talk to. Someone who actually gave a shit more about me than about themselves. Oh well. I also realize that maybe I took Ambien too long for what my body could handle and it’s driven my slightly crazy. I have potential to aggress into the identity of a Batman villain now.
I don’t know what category this post falls into. But I’m really trying to not get stuck thinking suicidal thoughts. I’ve been working so hard on that. But I’ve noticed that it burns a lot of my mental energy. By say 9:00 it feels like 3:00 AM. I’m completely wiped. Around the middle of the day I feel like it’s already bed time and my mind starts wandering, hitting all these depressing notes, until it settles on self abusing thoughts and a desire to die. It’s sad. I don’t want to think like this, and I know that at this point the only person who can really care and help me is me. My family is unable to emotionally ‘plug-in’. My friends are all aloof. And online-exclusive friends just lack the connection sometimes I’m unable to get passed the idea that it’s just a relationship of convenience.
I don’t know. Also, my ego has been spiraling out of control lately. I don’t know what’s up with that. Maybe my testosterone is exploding. But I’ve noticed that I cannot stop thinking how great I am and then in a matter of a few seconds I feel like the worst human being ever. And I make some very compelling arguments both ways. Lord. Even now I’m tempted to talk about the burden of my knowledge. Ignore my god complex that I’m going through right now. It annoys me just as much as you. Haha
I don’t know if any of you as kids had those cheap five dollar harmonicas that you could get from book fairs? I feel like my emotions are notes on a cheap harmonica and some kid keeps blowing them all willy nilly without rhyme or reason. I’m not used to it. Maybe this is what life was like as my ex girlfriend huh? Hahaha
See? I’m writing this very quickly and one second I’m depressed, the next I’m Dana Carvey. Back me up here. Am I going insane??