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This probably won’t be about what’s really on my mind, since authentic self-expression seems impossible. Everything is presentation. Games I don’t even realize I’m playing, to shield myself from the truth. My words are too crude to represent thoughts that are too simple to summarize feelings. In trying make things coherent the vital content slips away. But anyway.

I’m tired of me. Of my thoughts. Change my ways of thinking! But the me changing my ways of thinking is directly influenced by my current ways of thinking. I just end up coming back to the same old place. Change of self follows change in circumstance. It always has. The mind adapts. Reacts. It can think things are going to be different all it wants. But until somethings happens to shift the balance, it’s all just fantasy. A ‘decision’ is meaningless without the right brain chemistry behind it.

I wish I were someone else. Someone good. Yeah! So I’ll change. I’ll keep acting like this imagined person until eventually their lives and mine will just merge, and I’ll forget that I’m an impostor. But I won’t, because the mind doesn’t work like that. It needs the past to create meaning, and context.

And there’s no context where I’m not unbelievably fucked up. Without that recognition, there is no understanding of past actions. They loom, terrifying and distressing. I need that recognition, to live with myself. Short of somehow wiping my memory, and removing all traces of what I did.

But I’ll change it, going forward. I’ll leave it behind me. Except as often as I resolve to, I don’t really want to change, deep down. It’s an unbelievably fucked up core part of me. It feels good, when recognition of it isn’t triggering distress, and fear, and shame. It feels like part of who I am. Whilst at the same time being utterly incompatible with reality.