Adult.

I remember when I was a child adults always seemed like they had it all together. I envisioned a future in which the adult version of me would feel safe, secure, sure of herself, that I’d have all the answers. These days I am 30 and I have never felt more lost. Both parents dead, barely any real friends, nonexistant lovelife, and family members that are more distant from my heart than any stranger in the street. This is NOT the “me” I once envisioned. So empty and alone. So dissappointed with the journey of my life, wondering why did it have to go so wrong. Who could I have been if I hadn’t had so much loss? How different would I act and feel if I could have tweaked..changed but a thing or two…who knows? I don’t like this version of my life, and I can’t help but feel sorry and apologetic to my 7 hear old self. I am sorry all your hopes and dreams crumbled. You deserved better than this, I am sorry I am not strong enough. I am sorry I am not more motivated. I am sorry that it feels way more natural to cry than to laugh. I am sorry I don’t do better by you. I make a crummy adult, just grateful I made a wonderful child. But the past is in the past. Where do I go from here? No longer a hopeful child. Now just a useless melancholic adult.