I am losing my mind. Going insane from loneliness. Nobody, literally nobody gives a shit. I am a nice person, thoughtful, kind, and utterly alone. I live in a house full of people and no one sees me. No one gives a shitt. I feel as if I am being driven into madness. I would like to jump off a tall building but everywhere around here is flat, one story, two stories, nothing tall enough. I also would like to overdose but I am a nurse and I know how hard it would be to do so, I don’t have enough meds to do […]
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For a long time I’ve pondered over and over again the idea of suicide. The feelings of the suicidal mind are so complex. I think what makes suicide so difficult is the fact that no one truly wants to die. We would rather live, perhaps not this life we hate, but the life we dreamed we had. No matter what you believe in or how religious you are the fact is that no one knows for sure what happens after you die. I often ask myself do you want to wake up tomorrow..my answer is always no. There is nothing to look forward to tomorrow. […]
I remember when I was a child adults always seemed like they had it all together. I envisioned a future in which the adult version of me would feel safe, secure, sure of herself, that I’d have all the answers. These days I am 30 and I have never felt more lost. Both parents dead, barely any real friends, nonexistant lovelife, and family members that are more distant from my heart than any stranger in the street. This is NOT the “me” I once envisioned. So empty and alone. So dissappointed with the journey of my life, wondering why did it have to go so […]
Today a friend asked me what was my ten year plan.
Plan? I said. For a moment I didn’t’ t understand.
I mean how could I? I don’t even have a plan to get through the day,
Let alone a year, much less ten.
She asked as if it were the most normal of things to have dreams and hopes
And goals and a vision of the future.
I guess unless you are already living in hell it’s easy to dream
But to me dreams are an illusion, an empty black hole.
Hopes, goals, dreams are far too ambitious concepts for me.
I already struggle […]