The day was like any other really, I’m not sure why but I expected it to be different. Some huge event that happened on that day to lead me to finally take the leap but no:
I woke up,
drove to uni,
I didn’t feel any different to every other day that week, sad, useless, a waste of space, tired of living, but most of all I guess ‘alone’
But I happened to look into the mirror, I looked, I stared for what seemed like an eternity and I realized, I had no idea who that person was, looking back at me.
I had gone through so much, attempting to hide who I was and what I felt from everyone, even the one person I cared most about that I had become someone, something unknown to me.
Through trying to cope with all of this I had done so many things I’m not proud of, my face was marked with guilt, deceit, hate, anger and pain, but not just my own, oh I could deal with my own pain, I’ve been dealing with my own for 7 years, but it was hers, her pain, the girl I wanted everything for, the one I was going to talk to, to marry, to ‘live’ with forever. I finally saw all the pain that I had caused her and it was too much.
This person staring back at me, he doesn’t deserve to live, I had to end him, to make the world a better place, to make sure no one else has to suffer him again.
I knew where everything was of course, I hadn’t been planning it, but my mind was so clear, it was like a veil had been lifted I knew what to do, where to go, my movements seemed to come from somewhere else, not me, but a greater force, guiding me to do what had to be done.
I remember feeling so proud of myself as I nailed the tie into the ceiling, giving it a pull to make sure it was secure.
I wrote a quick note and left it on my computer for whoever found me, it wasn’t my first, it wasn’t anything good, but I didn’t care anymore. 1 page, that would be all that was left after I was gone and I was relishing it. I wanted it so bad.
I stood on my chair, pushed my head through the loop in the tie and tightened it. Closed my eyes and thought of her, the last thing I wanted to see before I was gone, her beautiful face, to hopefully be in a better place with that memory.
I pushed the chair away with my feet and dangled in the air, though it felt like I was swimming, I had a rush of euphoria and I was so happy. I was really doing it, I was really ending the pain and suffering. Peace, I’d have so much peace.
It’d didn’t last long though. Apparently one nail wasn’t enough to support my meager weight, my world came crashing back into me, I was so close to leaving, it was as though someone had grabbed my foot as I was flying off and they pulled me back down and pounded all the pain and suffering back in, all at once.
I lay on the floor for the next two hours, I didn’t have the willpower to move. I just lay there.