Hello. You know what fascinates me? Despite how bad my existential crisis gets, despite me knowing my existence is pointless, despite that constant feeling of wanting to stop it all, my mind still finds a way to wander. This is the funniest thing to me. I’ll be deep in thought about trying to figure out all of this or be in a slump because of how pointless it all is, but my mind will still find a way to worry about trivial matters. “If I manage to land that subway job, all it would take is two months of saving up and I can upgrade my PC.”, “That looks like a nice restaurant. I wonder what it would be like to take a girl there.” “Why the fuck does Best Buy not sell headphone cases?”. Seriously? None of that matters, but it still finds a way to creep up in my head. I realize how pointless it is to want these trivial things, but my mind can’t help but think about it. No matter how much I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, my body still finds its way to drag me out of it. But why? I guess this fall under the same category of “Why don’t I just get it over with already”. It’s very strange. Just a funny thought I had. Thank you for listening.
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4 comments
I do the same thing. It’s like, “I’m a miserable human. Why am I here? Oh, look at that cute outfit.”
I don’t if it’s a coping mechanism to keep us from mentally collapsing or our mind’s way of telling us we are spending too much time worrying.
yeah I was doing the same thing but have managed to tune it out for the most part. kind of makes me laugh when it happens though so there’s that.
Yeah, happens often to me. If it wasn’t for that i’d probably be dead by now (well, that and the failed attempts). I wonder if it’s an unconscious survival mechanism or something like that.
I think being affected by loneliness/depression/suicidal thoughts and displaying a pattern of social inhibition often does not negate an underlying desire to belong. Misgiving about social situations/perceived negative outcomes can result in rejection behaviours, despite our strong desire to be close to others.
We yearn death as an instant solution to environment, because our tainted perception predicts only an extension of misery. I suspect that in several cases death is not the only answer, so we explore ways to achieve what we desire, which isn’t really death.
Suicidal thoughts become a crutch, used increasingly and perhaps inappropriately as a coping mechanism, we know we have a way out if needed, which is reassuring, and that thought pathway is strengthened each time in response to certain and associated negative stimuli. The initial trigger is often lost, perhaps the memory has even been altered over time as they can be fickle. It becomes a hard cycle to break…