As the title says: I don’t think I can go on for much longer. I’m in hospital, again, for the seventh time in as many years. That in itself is a pretty depressing statistic. I’m on a whole cocktail of medications, so pretty much no wriggle room for improvement on that front. I’ve been having ECT, and while this eventually helped on my previous admission, this time I have developed resistance against having a seizure, even with the machine dialled up to the max.
Tomorrow they are gonna give me a high dose of caffeine before the ECT, in a last ditch attempt to get me have a seizure. If that does not work – I really don’t know how I’m supposed to keep going. Every single day is torture.
At best I’m totally numb and empty, dead inside, feeling totally separate from the world. At worst there is this oceanic sadness in me, totally overwhelming me. Regardless of what I do, nothing is enjoyable. Normally I’m pretty social, but I no longer feel like talking to anybody. I talk to the nurses, but I don’t socialise with other patients, just keep to myself.
The clinic itself is really good, the environment is nice and the staff are really caring and very professional. But I think I’m just not fixable. Just like some cancers just cannot be cured and are invariably fatal, I think my mental illness will, this time, kill me. And for the sake of my sons and my partner that scares me. Even yhough my sons are all grown up, it would still be devastating to them.
5 comments
Thanks.
Hi — SoVeryTired – Sorry your so down . If you can answer a question for me please ? – You said the ECT worked once.. Did you feel great then did depression just come back ?? I have had depression for years and my Dr was talking about this .. Would you say go for it or is it just a band aid ? I’m just after your personal thoughts on this .. Thanks MM ..
ECT worked for me as I went through my previous episode, about a year ago. I came out feeling well enough to go home, and eventually with therapy got well enough to actually be happy for a while. However my depression is recurrent, no matter what I do it always comes back. I wouldn’t call ECT a bandaid. It’s more like a treatment of last resort, when other forms of treatment don’t work. It should always be accompanied by other treatments like counselling, lifestyle changes and, if possible and necessary, medication. The thing that scares me is that ECT is only effective if you actually have a seizure, and that’s no longer happening for me. People keep spouting platitudes like “it helped you last time, it will help you again”, ignoring the facts.
Go for it is my advice. For most people it works very well.
Thanks For the reply — I am just asking around first . And who better than people who have had it done themselves .. Thankyou ……..