Back on that Metaphorical Horse

Hello. And we’re back. It was ok for a while, even pleasant. All good things don’t last though. I will say that a month was a long time to last. Posted here and there, but was never really on. I always notice the feeling just swallows you up when it comes back. You aren’t even paying attention, then you wake up and you know it’s back. Thought about killing myself a lot today. More than I have in a month. Parents were out of the house and I paused while I was in the kitchen to look at the carving knives. Don’t have the guts to do it, but the fact that I just stared at them says something I guess. Realistically it would be so easy. My room is at the other side of the house, so no one would bother me. Go in the middle of the night, slice it open, and just wait in my bed. By the time they check me in the morning, I would already have been gone. It sounds so easy. This time around while I was at my high point, I really tried. I really tried to make friends, get close to this girl, go to the gym, and just have a positive outlook on life. It all just kind of fell apart. Poof. Gone. Right through my fingers. I’m back here again. It’s going to be like this for the rest of my life (depending on how long that is). I get up and then down and then up and then down and then up and then down. Like a demented roller coaster you can’t get off. I think I’ll skip tomorrow. I just don’t want to go to school right now. I look around and wonder, am I the only one that just doesn’t get it, or is everyone just on the verge of it too and just keeping their mouth shut like I am. If I keep this up I really am not going to make it. Thank you for listening.