—- Hello ? —-
—- Goodbye ?—–
Though my looks have not changed much, this is me a little over a year ago. Everyone saw me as the “bright” and “confident” girl. Even had people at hospitals, the Techs, always call me “sunshine” (which I am now practically named that, haha) because of the brightness I always tried to bring into everyone’s days.
Some people can talk all day about how bad their mindset is, their insecurities, fears, let downs, and everything else negative that they have going on.. which I personally do not look at as a bad thing, I think it’s a wonderful therapy tactics to let things out.
However, I was not one of those people. I was who put everyone’s needs in front of my own. I made others happy with ALL I had before I made myself happy, which ended up “drowning” me. I was always the one to listen to everyone’s problems. I never told people how bad I felt. Never told them about how a month ago, I lost a family member and it hit me really hard. Never told them that maybe a few weeks ago I took that pill just to feel better. Never told them how a week ago I decided to starve myself from there on out. Never told them how maybe just last night I cut my thighs being so angry at myself.
I was lost. I was hurt. I was damaged and had a war going on in my mind, but I didn’t let not one person know.
I took it out on myself for simply feeling UPSET or INSECURE because I felt it made me weak and selfish. Of course, though, taking it out on myself didn’t help anything with me mentally or emotionally in the long run.
I think we all have a right to speak up when we are not okay.
That has taken me forever to learn- to just open up, but I have been doing quite well with it here lately.
And for me, once in my life, to say I am happy and mean that completely, it is the most amazing feeling.
I never thought I’d get here.
I’ve been facing problems since I was 10. I have had more hospital visits than most anyone I know and have went to Psych Wards many times. I have scars on my body and in the future, I may have health problems and restrictions for certain things but we are not sure yet. I had been suicidal for years. And I had swore to myself I would never get better. That things would never look up.
I am seventeen now. I am going to be moving out next to the beach soon in my own little apartment and going to college. I am happy, and I am free from my own mind.
I know so many of you don’t want the “positivity”.. trust me, I didn’t either. I get that. But sometimes I wish I had listened. Sometimes I wish I had opened up, or worked harder.
Because where I am at now, yall.. I thought I would be dead before I went to college. I genuinely believed my problems were never going to get better.
I’m okay now.. and I’m gonna be okay.
I do not believe I will be making posts on SP for a while, only because I will be handling a few jobs and school all at once now before I leave for college.
I wish I could help so many people, even still. I wish I could somehow just make it better. My heart breaks even for strangers who are going through some tough things.
I know what I was like and I didn’t want to hear any of it /:
I just hope all of you find peace in whichever path you take through life or wherever.
I wish I could help.
Till later, SP.
12 comments
Good on ya ..
Nice that life is working out for you ofc I also feel bad that many people are still suffering and that’s sad…
Thank you, spectral. I do too..
Great ! Good luck and take care !
P.S. Watch out for all those guys in college. They’re gonna be all over you 😉
Thank you, SS! I personally hope not, no time for all that. haha
Good luck in school!
Being happy on SP is fine, you just have to know your audience.
Hurrah for opening up!
Thank you!! Yes, I am quite proud of doing so, myself. Has taken a lot of courage and me loving myself enough to finally be able to take that step of “opening up”.
I wish you the best Amarie I am very happy for you to take that path. So I take it that you are putting yourself infront of everyone? Good wish I had done that otherwise I wouldn’t be feeling like this. Anyways good luck in school and everything else in your future and take care of yourself your beautiful.
Thank you, sadlife. I personally feel right now is a time for me to put my needs above all else. I have been putting others needs first all my life, it is time for me to care for myself and do what is in best interest for myself. Thank you for wishing me good luck, I will need it. I’m honestly a bit scared, but I will push through. And thank you for the compliment!
Your welcome and exacty. I was exactly your age when I first be came suicidal. My dad he passed away and I had to step up taking over his job dealing with his personal debts and supporting my mom brother and you can say my sister. Anything that I wanted I had to do it with 50lb on my back I didn’t have choice since my whole life my parents made me put them imfront of myself I’ve gave everything to my mom IDK how much money how much time I wasted on bullshit and my dads debts are now finally paid but I have nothing I never had a girlfriend I had to quit school and many many times I had enough money to leave but I was scared just like you said. I was scared of being alone these steps are hard because the world is greedy place full of fake and unhonest people there good people but not common. I uploaded and posted picture of me the other day I’m 26 now if you see me I look almost no different from when I was 17 besides my beared hahahah but honestly this is a good time for you to start on your future don’t let ppl make you do like what was done to me. Don’t be at age 26 homplesss where nothing that you do can change a thijg and everyone else enjoys there life while you work your butt off at your job wishing everything to end. I was 23 when I completely understood how people are including my family https://suicideproject.org/2017/01/what-is-your-coping-resource/ this an sp from here 🙂 I like your sp because if I did what you are doing I’d be a different man. take care of yourself and if you ever need someone to talk to my username here which of course sadlife958 is the same as my Gmail account thanks 🙂
This has nothing to do with what you wrote but you kind of remind me of someone, specially the smile. That said, i do wish you good luck on college, it’s quite a change but you seem to be going in with the right attitude and with some really needed adjustments (putting your needs in first place for a change). Pretty sure you’ll pull it off 🙂
I am going to suppose that it is a good thing haha. Thank you! Yeah, I have no doubt this will be stressful, but I also know it will be a thrill to do so. Especially with the whole apartment thing, just THINKING about decorating my own little place gives me butterflies in my stomach lol, real weird but it’s true. Here goes college, studying, paying bills, working 2 jobs and being independent. I was very grateful to have received an inheritance from a special man who passed when I was just 5 years old.. so that will get me a car and hopefully pay a few other things. I really do hope I pull it off, I will try my best.. that’s for sure!