I really f@$!ed up

I’ve had the worst year.  In December 2015, my ex dumped me after almost 10 years together.  Less than a week before my birthday and Christmas.  I lied, cheated, and put her in danger.  I’m a piece of shit.  She found out I used to be bisexual, looked on my phone, found emails, texts…I hate myself.  She was my other half, we played music together, shared many interests, we could have fun doing nothing.  Now, my whole life has fallen apart.  All my friends, family and her have abandoned me.  I had to go into exile from my home.  I’ve become a complete recluse.  I don’t go out or talk to anyone.  I  spend most of my time alone and/or drunk.  I’m starting to not eat, sleep almost all day and I can’t even will myself to pick up my guitar anymore. They say time heals all wounds, I’m seeing time wound all Heels.  I miss her completely.  I feel my life has been wasted.  I don’t feel anything but pain in my heart and I don’t know who I am anymore.  I’m a fraud.  A hack.  I’m alone, getting what I deserve for being a manipulative, lying, cheating sociopath.  I deserve everything that has happened to me.  I’m ready to go.  I live in the middle of nowhere and no one knows.  I’ve never felt so alone in my life.  Talking it out won’t help.  I don’t believe in meds.  No one I know has even dealt with what I’ve done, and the people I tried talking to all have left me.  I have no friends or family to turn to anymore.  I don’t believe in God anymore.  But yeah, I live in the woods alone.  I’ve been planning going on a “hike” and hanging myself in a tree.   It wouldn’t be much of a surprise where I live, there’s a high suicide rate here.  I can’t see a reason to go on anymore.  I failed at love, my reputation is fucked, I fucked up my music career, also my best friend was murdered in October.  I’ve literally just been going through the motions.  I’m scared of taking my own life, hurting myself.  I don’t care about hurting anyone else with my death, I already did more damage when everyone in my life found out about my breakup.  It hasn’t gotten easier, only worse.  I don’t know where I’m going with all this, I just had to get it all out.  I wish I could find a reason to live and keep going.  I just don’t see a single one in sight…