The day after I almost relapsed I decided to set a goal to not cut or anything until at least the 31st, which is the day of my appointment discussing medication.
So far it hasn’t been that hard, but even though the urge is gone (for now) my head’s still stuck there. Maybe that’s just what happens when you tell yourself not to do something you weren’t even doing. Or maybe I’m crazy. At this rate it’s probably a coin toss.
I’m sure this wouldn’t be so difficult if I didn’t live so isolated from the rest of the world. I mean I have a job, I go to school, and I’m more active in the music scene than my own health would probably prefer, but I don’t really talk to anyone. At least not genuinely. It seems like every person I meet thinks so radically different from me that it’s impossible to ever be myself. The community that I live in is so insulated that it could actually be dangerous to be genuine, so the smart thing to do is to keep my head down.
I honestly get jealous when I see people talking about their significant others or experiences they’ve had along those lines. Even the disasters of experiences. My closest friend from high school apparently has the perfect girlfriend (but who doesn’t think that at 19, to be honest). She’s charismatic, smart, and into enough of the weird, dumb stuff that my friends and I have been into since high school. I’ve never spoken to her directly or met her in person. They have so much in common and plenty to talk about. Meanwhile I’m sitting upright in bed at 4:45 AM trying to figure out what to do with all of this time and consciousness I have no use for. I wish I knew someone closely like that. Really, I wish someone knew me that closely, but no one does. No one I know who I can talk to cuts or has any personal experience with it, so how can I talk to anyone about that? And what about everything else? Fuck the scars, it’s hard enough finding someone else who even likes the same music that I do. Honest to god the anonymous internet is all I’ve really got. It’s pathetic, really; imagine being envious of every person you see or read of, regardless of the context, simply because they aren’t totally alone.
It’s not their fault I can’t get close to anyone.
Fuck, I really wish I was asleep right now.
5 comments
You never know how they really feel, because they might be being fake too. Sure, that sounds like a bit far fetched, but plenty of people that look really well adjusted on the outside are all the opposite. I wouldn’t even be surprised if some of them self harmed or cut themselves too. That said, maybe you could try talking with people a bit more about the real things you care about, but not going directly to the cuts because that… yeah, that is a bit of a conversation killer for most people (not all tho).
I mean, it sounds like you sort of have the chances to talk with people but you stay away for lack of things in common… if i’m honest, the few people i talk with have absolutely nothing in common with me, but that doesn’t mean you can’t share with them, regardless of tastes and hobbies we’re all human beings living in this weird and crappy world after all, and hey, some people do like to talk about things they don’t know about or are outside of their comfort zone.
I want to, but opening up to people where I am is a bit of a bigger risk. Without getting too much into it the community that I live in has a very collectivist and religious mindset, and I fundamentally fall outside of both of those things. It wouldn’t surprise me if I was told I had a demon in me or if I was forced into church if I hypothetically let anyone know about the scars, depression, suicidality, etc. honestly one of my bigger fears is having my music career destroyed because of the people who follow me finding out that I don’t think like they do.
I agree with the observation that some who look to be really well adjusted arent. I hear the just wanting to go back to sleep as well. It sounds like you at least have some things to keep you busy. Music. Work. And a superficial social scene. Have you talked with your best friend about the cutting? I hear your worry about the stigma. And I am not suggesting telling anyone. I am a cutter myself and people do get scared and leave yOu. Good for you for seeking help. Therapy does give you someone to talk to who won’t leave. Though at 29 I tell anyone who even asks for my phone number. Better to have people walk out of your life after 2 weeks rather than a year later. Again I am not suggesting telling people. I just do because I can’t hide it and I hate people leaving after I’m attached. Of course now all I have left in my life is blood relations
The friend with the girlfriend is actually the only other person that I’ve really talked to at all about it. He knows about the whole cutting thing but he doesn’t know what to say or do about it, and I don’t really blame him. I just want to know someone in my life who would be able to say “I get it” to most of the things that a lot of other people don’t. Between the two of us the topic isn’t much more than an elephant in the room.
I like the style of your music- just thought I should let you know. I usually play in the privacy of my room, so it’s also very cool that you’re active in the music scene.