Hello everyone, my name is Daniel, and I think I’m going to commit suicide very shortly, I want to anyways, not sure if I will though, since things in life change so much, but I hope that moment arrives in a week or two. I don’t know where to start, I’m done trying to figure out why I’m like this, why I have suicidal thoughts, why I cut myself, why I feel so much pain all the time. It sucks, it really sucks to be this way, I don’t believe in destiny, but I cannot avoid feeling like I am trapped, and have absolutely no way out. And I could say that I am 100% sure, or 99,9999% sure that I will commit suicide, sooner or later. Things change so fast and so easily, I guess I had my problems when I was a child and an early teen, I used to cry a lot and feel a lot of pain, mainly because of my parents, I’ve always had problems with them, and my sisters too, my family is pretty broken in general. But anyways, I could say I was somehow happy, maybe not happy, but I was calm most of the time, like a normal person, I could say I was normal. I don’t know when I stopped being normal, I couldn’t tell you the exact moment or the exact event that caused my depression or whatever I have, let’s just call it “suicidal tendency”, but all I know is that only a few weeks ago I suffered because I wasn’t happy, and all I wanted in this world was to be happy, but right now I can tell you guys that I don’t want that anymore, I don’t believe in that anymore, I don’t believe that I can be happy, I have no hope in anything, absolutely anything, I just won’t be happy ever, all I want right now is to die, seriously, I just want to stop this everlasting pain. I am a little bit of a coward, that is the only reason why I haven’t done it, commit suicide, I need to find a painless and sure method. My biggest fears when it comes to suicide is obviously the pain, but also the error margin. Anyways, I’m not really sure why I’m here, I mean on this site, I guess I’m looking for an answer, just someone who has to say anything about all this that I wrote, I seriously doubt that anyone will read this entirely, or that anyone will reply, and this will only cause me much more pain, and fuel even more my suicidal tendency, so I guess that’s good, I just wish that it is enough so that I will actually do it. That is one of the main reasons I want to do it actually, I have always felt alone in this world, and I envy all the people that have friends and significant others and all that. I have friends, but I still feel alone, and I feel more alone now than ever because a lost my two best friends, a guy and a girl. I guess these two had a lot to do with why I’m here haha, and I mean in this situation, not on this site haha. Anyways, I lost them and I feel I didn’t do anything very wrong. There is a whole story between us three haha, a long story, but I don’t want to talk about it, I just don’t. But anyways, they are perfect right now, I mean, they are happy, together. They used to be a couple, and broke up because of simple and common relationship issues, but the point is that they left me behind, I have absolutely no value for them right now, and I wonder if I ever really did. But anyways, that kills me, it kills me inside, that they left me behind, feeling like absolute ####, after all I did and whatever, they are happy without me, and they hate me, and they say that all I ever did was cause sadness in their lives, and that they are better off without me. Life just isn’t fair. I wish life was fair, or at least not so unfair. I hate my life, and just want it to be over.
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10 comments
I am sorry you feel this way, I read the whole thing and I am in the same boat. Every time I think I’ve finally formed a meaningful relationship with someone, I fuck it up. After a year of misery I found someone that I understood, and she understood me. But then she met the real me, the emotional anxious wreck, and within a month I had ruined everything. I am so alone in this world. This past week I have been an emotional zombie most times, I can’t even wear my mask like I usually do. I am scared of what other misery life will bring me, I don’t really care to find out.
Thanks for replying seriously, I am so sorry you feel that way too, obviously. But just know that I feel the same way, and many people do on this site. That is the beauty of it, I find it really beautiful actually. But anyways, I just hope we find peace soon. Thanks again.
I wish there wasn’t anyone who felt the way I do because it is awful. Peace on you too my friend. Whatever that means to you.
Thanks my friend, although I don’t believe in the afterlife and things like that, if it exists, I hope I can see you there.
Daniel is traveling tonight on a plane…
Anyway, you said that you hope change arrives in a week or two. Maybe that’s a sign to keep on hoping. You said it yourself that change happens so fast and easily. You never know when there will be a positive change.
Haha I meant that I hope I commit suicide in a week or two, but I’m not sure if I will, because things in life change so much, and maybe that event will be postponed. But I guess you’re right, you never know when there will be positive change. I guess I wish for something positive to happen, something that will take away my pain, and give me hope hope to keep on living. But I doubt it, but I guess you never know. Anyways, thanks for the comment seriously. It really means a lot to me.
Ah, I see. Your post really reminded me of when I first seriously started thinking about suicide. I was depressed and wasn’t sure why. As time went on I started dealing with it better, though. I wish the same for you.
Thanks, let’s see what happens. Whatever happens, I will find peace in the end. I know that for sure. Let’s hope that there will be no pain before that moment, that I can go through the pain and find peace.
Hi Daniel,
I read your post in its entirety and I understand where you are coming from. I am hoping to finally find the courage in the next few weeks to get this done, but as you said, I am afraid of pain and or the margin of error. I just want the pain to stop. I feel that everything since I was a kid has been a battle, I’ve have to fight for everything and I am exhausted. Almost two years ago, I lost my hopes and dreams and had to move away from someplace I worked hard to get to and I have only gotten worse since. I had a best friend there for several years, we were there for everything for each other and much like your situation, he got sick of my sadness. I haven’t heard from him in almost two years. Recently, he ran into someone we both know and asked him “How is he doing anyway? Not that I ever want to see the son of a ***** again…”
I just can’t do it anymore, being forced to move back someplace with a lot of bad memories, as well as cold and darkness that just makes me feel worse. I am about to have the rug pulled out from under me financially in a few weeks, and I will have nowhere to go. I have always had to depend on myself and I can’t even bring myself to do that anymore. I just want my life to end so that the pain goes away. I had to get out of town for the weekend because I can’t even face one more day in my living situation, even my fucking cat died a few months ago and he was my rock, I truly have nothing left. I completely understand how you feel. Please take care of yourself.
Kevin
I feel like I lost my best friend..
Someone who loved me more than anyone. And they just dissapeared. I still think they love me, but the pain is pushing me over the edge as I was already suicidal to begin with.
I never learn to kill myself when things are good haha