Nearly every day its a thought

Nearly every day suicide is a thought on my mind. Its not if but when and how. As I walk down the sidewalk I think about the buildings, are they high enough how would I have to jump to land head first or on a fence post, can I get to the roof? I look down from rooftops longingly even dancing on the edge. As I travel the streets I consider getting hit by a truck. I don’t budge from the road as they pass and occasionally step towards a vehicle.  As I go through the store I look at the pills I think will my body accept sleeping pills again yet (I almost got away with that one but on the way to a hidden place to be left alone till death the pedal falls off my bike and of course someone sees me) I even made into a coma. As I work another day away smiling and pretending i grab a razorblade, sometimes I end up tossing it out telling myself why even bother trying but not always, and pocket it thinking I cut my wrists deep enough to require stitches and a hospital stay once I can do it again. But somehow I never seem to get home with the razors. When I gained access to a gun and was left alone with it i began a sort of when will i mess up russian roulete repeatedly pulling the clip cocking it and flipping the safety back and forth faster and faster before putting it to my head and pulling the trigger. I want it so bad that sweet sleep but after failure in previous attempts despite legitimate intent methods planning following through and even the resulting medical not psyc hospital stays stitches comas ……. I just keep telling myself wait for a good enough chance you’ll have your time