I think my medication is making me worse. I’m not sure, though.
It’s stuff like this that makes not taking my medicine (because the voices in my head told me not to) seem like a completely sane thing to do. It never seems to help me.
D has been bothering me all day. I think he’s going to do something terrible to me soon. I’m filled with a very heavy dread that won’t leave me no matter what I do. I can’t help but feel like some kind of doom is right around the corner.
I think the worst part is knowing that I can do nothing about it. Nothing but wait.
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Distractions are the only thing I have against the inevitable wait, if i know it’s coming but not when.
‘Til it happens (or even passes), Small comfort you might be able to do something about it, once knowing what ‘it’ is. no idea what any could be, but still possible.
I don’t know how long that medication would take to kick in, and without more than a threshold difference over a certain period i guess that’s why it could be hard to tell anyway between bad day or bad side effects.. seems crap you have to see concrete signs of “This is hurting me”.
I can’t distract myself anymore. I’m so empty-headed. I’ve lost interest in everything. Nothing can hold my attention anymore. All I can do is lay around and hope that he doesn’t come near me or put his hand in my back or whisper in my head. I hate him, even more than I hate me. One of the few things I hate more than me. I think he’s going to get me killed, soon. Then I’ll be burning in Hell.
As for the pills, they’re supposed to have kicked in by now, according to my doctor.
I think D’s existence is proof enough that I’m predestined to Hell. I just wish that I weren’t aware of it. I wish I could live in blissful ignorance. Hope is like spiritual morphine. You’re in agony without it.
He hasn’t been a constant presence, though. there’s times when he’s not around. i personally think it’s proof most the time docs have no idea what they’re doing with meds.
so do something mindless. stare at those 3d picture collages til the image comes into view. there’s times i doodle a million x’s til whatever is in my system lessens, walk around when i don’t want to, go outside til i’m numb.. anything to make it change.. even sensory overload, moving pictures with different typically loud clashing sounds at the same time, can sometimes block everything else.
hope.. can be a double edged sword at times, with or without it. i also still don’t think you’re hellbound, for what that’s worth.
Yeah, he isn’t a constant presence. Sometimes he isn’t active. He’ll just seem to disappear for days or weeks, then come back. But I don’t see why that’s significant. Either way, I was cursed with him. He must be some kind of punishment. Or something like that. I don’t know.
And thanks for the advice.
Hope can do you harm, but I think I really need it right now.
I’m here, too.
Filled with dread, and waiting for something?