I am so lost right now. So, yesterday I had started having a panic attack like any other day, except this time I was majorly dizzy and nascious and decided to walk down stairs with being so. I fell down every one of those stairs, had a bloody head, and huge bruises all over my thighs. My mother, being a mother, wanted to look at my legs to see how bad they were and I had totally forgotten about the cuts I had on my thighs, actually scars from literal weeks ago. I stopped cutting and I didn’t intend to cut anymore. At the time, I was also on the phone with my best friend as he was already worried enough about me falling down the stairs. The last thing he needed to hear in the background was “are those cuts?”. and I am not up to lying to anyone, so I had to go into the whole story with him. I also had to explain that I have been suicidal, but I will be okay and I will pull through because that’s what I always do.
Another thing before I move on, I stopped eating as much as I was about a month ago. Honestly just wasn’t feeling it. didn’t eat anything for a few weeks and these past two days, I’ve probably had a half of a pizza a day. I just don’t want to anymore, I’m not even much motivated to eat, not hungry, and anytime I do eat nowadays I feel like I’ll throw it up.
So, mom wants to send me to a hospital/doctor just to get me checked out and figure out what needs to be done, but I’ve been through this routine several, several times over the past seven years. I go see someone, they see cuts on cuts on bruises, they see I haven’t been eating, they see I’m dehydrated, and mom will tell them I refuse to take any of my meds which only make me worse. That hospital/doctor will recommend a Psych ward after they’re done treating me and poof! There I am once again.
Do you think I should be admitted? I have started to “relaspe” in my suicidal tendencies again and have been a bit impulsive, again. I know that if I keep this up, the way I keep thinking, I know I’ll drag myself to the dirt because that’s how I’ve always been. I always try to be full of hope, ya know? And I love to help others before myself and I hate people taking PITY on ME because I am far too undeserving, but I do need advice. Life has been majorly rough again and I’m going back down that spiral. Been having the worst flashbacks and sometimes I don’t even feel like me and I don’t want to be here. I feel odd lately and I keep trying to bring myself up, but something is always dragging me down right back again. I’m not sure if I want to keep on going. And I feel so dang hypocritical because I tell everyone to, but sometimes I don’t feel like I can myself. I haven’t felt this way in a year, thought I got out of it, but it’s back. I just wish I could feel okay again.
There is also the whole factor that I think my best friend is starting to look at me odd. He claims he isn’t, but when I tell him about my thoughts and how depressed I’ve been, I just don’t think he quite understands and it makes me feel really weird sometimes. I do believe he is more so upset, though.
Any advice?
3 comments
In all honesty, most people have a way easier time giving hope and advice to others than being optimistic themselves, happens to most of us. Seeing a situation on the outside and making comments on it is definitely a lot easier than being on it, so nope, you’re not being an hypocrite or anything like that, because i’m guessing that when you see hope on other people’s situations you actually see it. It’s just that it’s harder to see hope on our own situation.
That said… well, even if it’s a rinse/repeat scenario, there’s no harm on letting it happen again, because you never know when your mom might wise up and accept some kind of treatment for you. Even if it’s just a check up, it’s not a bad thing either. As for being accepted into the psych ward… idk, i’d avoid it unless you really need it, depending on how a psych ward is like where you are. Over here it’s a mashup of every thinkable mental illness, so the people with the more serious illnesses never get better, and the ones with milder ones get even worse. That’s not the case everywhere but… yeah, i’d check up on that before being admitted to one.
As for your friend, that’s normal. If you’ve never had depression, PTSD, anxiety and that sort of disorders… well, it’s hard to know how they are, and even harder to know how to deal with them. It’s likely that he really cares but doesn’t know how to properly help, so yeah, i wouldn’t over think that one.
Wow. Can I give you an internet hug rn. Idk if you should be admitted – I think it takes only yourself inside to be convinced that you have a problem. (that made more sense in my head before I typed it out) Like they could admit you to a psych ward, but you might just fight it and get in a worse position because of denial, so until you actually convince yourself you have a problem I don’t think it’ll do you any good.
Tbh you sound like a beautiful person. The part about not being motivated to eat and your friend not understanding you – I’m in the same place rn. It sucks. I don’t know what to do about it, so can’t offer advice. But I hope you hang in there friend.
being admitted has its perks and drawbacks, but if i were you i would. even though psych wards are painfully boring and arent the most pleasant space to be, its sometimes nice to be able to get a break from everything. its a good place to just breathe and reflect on your thoughts. although much may not change, its sometimes good to have that break from life for a bit, since we all know life can be a little cruel sometimes. considering how youve always found hope in the past though, im praying you find that hope again this time around.
as for the friend, i know how you feel. my boyfriend has been acting kind of strange over me being in the hospital and about my suicidal tendencies. he swears nothing is different and he still loves me, and even though i dont believe it, im learning to try and let it go. not everyone knows what its like to have a mental illness, or how to react sometimes. sometimes we need to give those around us who dont really understand what its like a break. im sure if he really cares about you as much as he says he does, he means it. it might be hard to accept it but give it a try, because sometimes things are so much simpler than what we think they are. hang in there and i hope this helps a bit.