I have been depressed as far back as I can remember. I spend every day of my life trying to change my mindset to be positive and to not see the purposelessness that surrounds me. I don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t have a husband. I don’t have children. I have run down all my savings. I lost my career 10 years ago and my drive and motivation around the same time.
When I research this on the internet it’s filled with people saying don’t do that I’m here for you. That’s just pithy. And it’s not true. The strangers are not here for me. You’re not here for anyone. You’re just making a comment. What really is the point of living? The point for me is that I’m scared to kill myself. I don’t wanted to it to hurt. I don’t want to fail at doing it. I don’t want to actually do the action of killing myself. I want it to happen to me – I dream of having a disease that I don’t know about until it’s too late. I dream about a nuclear bomb hitting and taking us all out. I CAN’T make my life work.
I’ve been to therapy for decades and let’s be honest none of it works. I’m not crazy. I’m a realist. Life is a long march until we die. I have no family who would give a shit if I left it would just mean more money for them in my mother’s will. If I told anyone they’d try to do what is typically done . Ask me I have a plan? Send me to the hospital? Where I would get out plugged with drugs and be a zombie. Is that really a quality existence? Why can’t I just tell the world I’m unhappy in that be OK why do I have to put on a face and I am happy? Because people can’t handle it if you’re unhappy. They can’t take it. It’s like they’re trying to hold on by a thread and they need you to say you’re happy so they can justify their own holding on by a thread. But the truth is no one wants to hear how depressed I am no one wants to hear how black the world is in my outlook is. I dream I dream I dream that I just won’t wake up tomorrow.
9 comments
The only thing I can say to you is I am one that actually does care about the people on here. I have lost sleep over some of them even though they are strangers to me… any thing else I would say you do not want to hear so I won’t continue. I do hope you find a way to cope better or find some peace one way or the other though. Welcome to the site. 🙂
I’m 20 years of age, and I can safely say I’m ready to go. Without a doubt, life is pointless, there is no meaning, it’s just a race to see who can get more money before they die. I got nothing to my name, I’m a waste, why even live a life if you can’t enjoy it. I mean seriously, I have no money, no meaning, no one to love, no one who loves me accept my family which I could care less about… I mean… why even live?
I hear you. I don’t think I’ve ever had the feeling of happiness lasting for more than 4 days or so at a time. I’ve been through so many different kinds of therapy and I’ve spent so much time trying to change my mindset as if it is something that I could actually control. But I can’t. And life to me is a winding down of suffering. I can’t talk to people without crying about it. Therapists have only ever been useless. And happiness has been fleeting because the race to money has never been something that I’ve done well and it surrounds me and drowns me in worry and very deeply held feelings that I’m a loser. I’m lonely but I can’t seem to truly connect with people on a level where I’m being completely honest because if I was so completely honest I don’t think anybody would want to be around me quite honestly. I worry about where I’m going to be in 10 years will it be penniless light be homeless but will become of me and all the bad decisions that I’ve made that I don’t think I can get out of. This is reality.
Right spot on. Therapist have done NOTHING but suck up my money and time and I’ve never felt happiness for long, I’ve had quick spouts where I sort of feel a bit happier but they won’t last long at all. I worry so much about everything, being homeless, losing everything, my quest for money has left me tired and alone. I guess it is true what they say, those who truly suffer with depression, suffer in silence. Your username fits perfectly. Every day I wake up I’m done already with life.
People online aren’t that different from people you meet in real life.
They’ll listen to you, briefly comment on your situation, then tell you about themselves. It’s both predictable and boring. People think that talking about themselves is interesting to others. (It seldom is, it’s only interesting to the one who’s speaking).
I sincerely wish you the best with whichever route you choose to take.
You’ve written some pretty intense stuff here. Much of it resonates with me. I’m new here, but I like that we are all , for the most part, anonymous streams of consciousness, and honesty is easier here. I won’t try blowing smoke up your a** and encouraging you to “hang in there.” Just know I enjoyed reading your thoughts here.
it’s a fact that:
1) there’s only very few smart/intelligent people/Human beings on this planet
2) Majority of people/Human beings are stupid, dumb, ignorant, shallow, superficial, & close-minded
3) sometimes people seem to mistake Objectivity for Negativity, and wishful-thinking for Positivity
4) smart people are usually depressed/experiencing depression, no wonder, because of how they often feel very alone/lonely, amidst all other mindless robots
5) smart people often know that this Life/reality is in fact harsh, cruel, even unfair. they don’t fake any stupid mindless ‘optimism’ like Most people/Society
6) optimist people are often simply just either ignorant, or stupid. they don’t want to think hard. all they only care is just how to be ‘happy’. Hence, the sadly popular quote/phrase: “IGNORANCE IS BLISS”.
“Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
Welcome to the (sad) Human Race (& Human Nature)
Welcome to the sad Reality
so,. is there still any Hope?
well,. sometimes there is,. but sometimes there isn’t,.
it’s all random chances, & luck sometimes
reality is cruel, cold, & harsh
the only option is either: to keep trying, or dying.
niki, I wish I’d met you before my death
I respect that you are kid free. Why pass this existence on any way?
Hurting and failing are two big concerns about doing the deed. Would be nice if it would just happen somehow. I have my way to go settled on if ever I overcome that will to live thing. Damn the pain. 59 and damn tired of the pain, no matter what my profile says.