A random tangent

I hurt so much that my heart physically aches every single day and I cry every time no one is looking. The only things that calm me briefly are either related to pleasure or pain and sometimes they coincide with each other. I’m a bit of a recluse. I keep to myself and yet finding physical pleasure is easy. I’ve never said that out loud before. But there is always someone that loves trying to fix what is broken. I try to keep my distance because I don’t want someone getting hurt but it usually just turns it into a challenge for them, which makes them try harder. I feel the safest option is pain. I’ve tried pretty much every method. These moments calm me… I hate when people say to others “what about your son?” Or your family, etc. It’s as if to say that we never considered that. They will never realise that this pain is so excruciating that even the people who mean the whole world to us can’t combat this pain and these people are incredible. It’s not that we don’t love them enough. We couldn’t love them anymore. It’s that we can’t possibly live with this pain, no matter how much we love them. That’s how bad it is.

So I’m at a place where I need someone. Someone to hold me and be my big spoon. But I know I’m not strong enough to be theirs. And I would rather feel all this pain then hurt someone else. The pain is getting greater though and this time, I won’t just be hospitalised. Not today though. Today the pain will stay in my heart, waiting to finally be released.