Hi everyone,
Not sure if anyone remembers me. I had undergone TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) for depression treatment, got sober, thought everything was fixed. But things aren’t that easy… I always knew but am only recently starting to come to terms with the fact that both depression and addiction are life long chronic diseases and that I will always have this silent passenger.
Well I’m suicidal again. Probably because I’ve been relapsing a lot. I moved across the country and went off my meds, couldn’t find a new psychiatrist, so I guess we reap what we sow. It was only a matter of time before that sick life drew me back. I was sober about 4.5 months but started getting depressed and the suicidal thoughts started coming back. By the end of a run I’ll get suicidal too but initially drugs help numb the pain. It often comes down to, well, if you’re going to kill yourself anyway, might as well drink/use. Fuck. I don’t recommend it. That thinking has gotten me nowhere. I’m 23 with nothing to show for it.
Today is night five / day six (2am is a witching hour) sober from a month long daily coke/opiate/alcohol run. Maybe before that I was sober three weeks and before that another month or two run. For most of this past run I was using the opiates just to “get well” or not get withdrawals. What’s fucked up is that I had a friend die from that same exact mix – coke, pain killers, alcohol. But I would do it every night. Part of me wishes I just died, I think it would be easier for my family to chalk me up to a causualty of the opiate epidemic instead of a suicide. I wanted to die. The urge is even stronger now that I’m sober again. Fuck. I just feel so fucking empty and ashamed. I’m tired of living this life, I’m tired of living period, and I’m not strong enough to fight this struggle for the rest of my life. Even if I have that strength, I don’t want to do it, I choose not to, nothing in this reality is appealing to me. It is a choice as old as Shakespeare – “to be or not to be.” To OD or not to OD.
Maybe I’ll go to the psych ward. Maybe I’ll take some stockpiled pills and nod away. Maybe I’ll accept these heroin dreams and give the devil a try for the first time. I feel the cold of the grim reaper getting closer. I keep feeling like it’s my time. I’m waiting. Please end this.
But time is fucked and I have business to attend to Monday through Wednesday. So nothing rash now, just the slight calm that comes with planning. I can’t stop crying so I’ll end it there.
Thanks,
wdiwt
PS – is HDS still active on this site? I found her so kind and wanted to reach out and see if she is okay.
2 comments
hey there.
I do remember you. I can’t say I remember much of what you posted back then, but I digress.
As for HDS, I’m not sure what’s been going on with her lately. I also hope that she is okay and just living her life, whatever she is doing.
Hazy is fine as of a month ago. She’s working on improving her marriage and recently got a new job she likes. Her kids are well, too. Since we haven’t seen her here for a while, I assume she’s busy and not crashing emotionally. Hurrah for HDS!