I am new to the suicide project and looking for hope in life, since I haven’t yet killed myself. I figure I may as well look for joy in the moment, maybe find a way to let go of the self-recrimination and devaluation that has made life so unbearable. Ironically, this renewed effort comes on the heels of another poisoning that clearly was done with too much ambivalence and second guessing, the result being terrifying hallucinations and an eviction, rather than the death I hoped and feared it would end in. I was researching methods of suicide to “up my game”, as it were, so as not to be caught in the embarrassing situation of going to psych with a policeman again, when I stumbled across this page. It’s nice to think there could be a place to talk about suicide with real honesty, instead being seen as dramatic, or a downer, or attention-seeking, or in need of help. So few people seem to really understand how it feels to really prefer death as an alternative to life’s burdens and pains. It’s like talking about sex during a church service: People turn to me suddenly, eyes wide with shock as if I had just leapt out of a dark alley, ready to chastise and set me straight on how fucking precious life is and how I should see that, should want to see that, should be seeking that “precious life” experience.
But isn’t death sacred? Don’t we get to lay down our burdens someday?
Do I want hope? Hell yes! it feels good. Does “Hang in there!” help? No. YOU hang in there! Ooooor…… hang yourself with a rope made of platitudes dickhead, then send me a postcard and let me know if the other side has any vacancies…. and a pool.
Well…. I think this little post has gotten suitably grim and angsty so, good night to whoever reads this. 🙂
12 comments
Hello. I’m pretty new here also, and I’m still trying to wrap my head around this site. I’ve kept my thoughts to myself for a long time now, and still can’t let out a lot of shit here, but SP has given me a new perspective by allowing me into the minds of so many others in a similar place. It’s surreal, being here and finding strength and pseudo -hope, at least for me, but it does help. Like you said, you can’t just talk about killing yourself to the mailman, but here, it’s what you’re SUPPOSED to do. Welcome.
Thanks Chip. I don’t know how I missed this reply post when it first went up, unless it went through moderation. good to be here.
What’s ironic is in the response on the previous post I read before this one the last words I typed were………hang in there. I kid you not…. don’t worry I get angsty too Foxglove7. 🙂
hahaha jadedjewel. I have said it many times over the years.
Sometimes that’s all there IS to say cause you totally understand but don’t have the answers either…. but when their me+hod is hanging… then it’s a little…comical in a macabre kind of way. Them thinking , “oh yeah… I’ll definitely hang in there alright.” 🙂
I was going to point out the irony of “hang” in there, but given the audience, I thought it was just too easy!!! lol
On the other hand, a pun is only fun if it makes you groan in discomfort…..
True.
Love your post, Foxglove. Welcome.
For whatever it’s worth, i had done careful research on the same method and had the same result.
Sans the hallucinations and eviction.
Thanks Whit. Yeah…… when I self-destruct it’s always a colorful story, so I’ll always have that. The eviction hurt though. I was a perfect tenant all in all, paid on time every month, made the whole yard a garden, never had loud parties or fights with anyone. Then I went insane in a spectacular meltdown. hahaha
I want to feel more regret than I do, cause I think that might be more normal. I don’t feel it.
There is much to be said for honesty. We shouldn’t pretend to feel something we do not. What is the point in it?
😉