I have been lurking here for years. I also posted quite a few comments. In doing so I must say I am impressed with the caliber of the people here and touched by the care given in the comments by others. At last I feel safe here to tell my story. It is long, I type in short bursts, so I likely will need to make several postings. I will start by saying that I first verbalized suicide at 14 and here I am a 59 year old man and am still trying to find the resolve to get it done amid many competing interests in the final outcome.
I am the repository of all my experiences the pain of which could drive many to an earlier grave. It actually began just after birth. I am still looking into this. Lets just say premature infant care was likely to be very stressful to the newborn in 1957.
Add to the rough start a parental unit that was often neglectful, cruel. and on at least one occasion, viscous.
It probably did not help that public schools in those days were into corporal punishment as well.
Hope I am not depressing too many people here with what I say or will be saying. I am in therapy but far from sure of the outcome. Right now my nervous system is where all the pain is stored and it remains to be seen whether I will do the merciful thing and turn it off or do the “right” thing and somehow learn how to continue this mortal existence. Again I want to say that some of the greatest people I have ever known hand out here on sp.
8 comments
Hey. Good luck
Thank you. Therapy has revealed far more early on trauma than I would like to believe.
You have strength to have lasted this long. Weather it was for yourself or other people or because you thought it was “right” for me I’ve been holding on 14 years since my first serious suicide thought, however I know as a kid I wished I’d never existed but I don’t think that’s suicide just kid thoughts or maybe it was my mind on a deeper level telling me how I was going to turn out. no matter your decision I hope you find happiness and peace with it and i await your story. I’ve learned different outlooks on life through everyone’s lives on here. This is the best free therapy I’ve ever had 🙂
Hello Wanted. It has occurred to me that if i have lasted this long i might as well let myself live for as long as naturally possible. But then again no one deserves to have to live with this damn pain…Until I was perhaps 25 or so i would hang on for myself then after that it was fear and obligation that held me. Now fear is negligible and obligation is the sticking point. You wished you never existed? I relate. I wish I had been stillborn, or aborted.
this is not only the best free therapy there is but it is actually way better than many of the paid varieties, by that I mean most of the pill pushers…
Hey, nice to meet you I’m a new to this site as well.
I hope therapy is beneficial for you, and that this site can be all you hope it can be for you. Best wishes ?
Therapy has been beneficial in the sense that I am much easier to get along with and can do my work much better than before. But inside the battle is at fever pitch. As to this site, it is something special. If I live through this nightmare, this site and the fine people on it will be a part of the process.
Hey a1957, I missed this post earlier but luckily I was having trouble sleeping and came across it. Welcome to SP, I hope it brings you comfort/ solace to be here among people who empathise. Thank you for sharing a little bit of you, I’m sorry for all you have been/ are going through, I hope to see more of you round here and I hope you find peace in whatever path you choose.
i do a lot of lurking here still. This site is just right for those of us caught between life and death.