looking for reasons to stay alive.

Hey theyoungone,

I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way and that I don’t have any amazing advice for you, this is exactly where I’m at right now too. I want to commit suicide, but I don’t *want* to want to commit suicide, you know? I am desperately searching for reasons to stay that don’t revolve entirely around the guilt of leaving my family/friends/responsibilities. It is difficult when all interest and love for life has died, but the fact that you are searching is a sign of hope.

I’ve found that being so close to accepting death can ironically leave you open to surrender to life. When you finally give up, there can be a sense of liberation, knowing that your time here is temporary and that all of these feelings of worry and guilt and overwhelming responsibility will one day be over. The thing to remember is that we all die, whether we kill ourselves tomorrow or die of old age in seventy years, we will all have that freedom eventually. There can be a massive relief in knowing that, that in turn makes life easier to carry on living in the meantime.

One of the most important things is knowing you have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of. Whether or not you believe it, you deserve support, whether it’s from those that know and love you, or complete strangers/professionals. The struggle to keep up appearances can be exhausting and leave you more open to giving up in the end when it finally catches up to you.

In terms of finding things to live for, you don’t have to think long term right now. Even finding some investment in the smallest, most short term things can give you some escape to tide you over until you find something long term. Music, art, conversation with a friend, maybe sit down with a podcast/new album from a band you used to love and make something, anything. I find going for a walk in some woods or a city where the environment is constantly changing without any effort on your part to be helpful sometimes, tiny things can surprise you and give you something to latch on to, without effort on your end. Also – I know it sounds cheesy – but writing things down might help, even if it’s how terrible you feel. You might find it cathartic or come to a better understanding of why you feel this way and are therefore more equipped to deal with it.

It also goes without saying that along with finding something positive to live for it’s important to find anything negative that makes that more difficult. Is there anything you could do with a break from that might leave you with less stress or drama?

I’m sorry I’m not much help, and for the wall of text, could do with an editor! No matter what, there are people here that will listen and try their best if they feel that they can offer you some support. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find what it is that will keep you here, trooping on.

Take care.