Mommy dearest

Alrighty, let’s talk about my mom! Good ol’ mom, aka a source of my non existent self-worth. My mom is a horrible alcoholic, and has been since I’ve been born. That’s also something that has been pointed out to me many, many times by family members: before she met my dad and had me she didn’t have a drinking problem. And she acted like an actual mom to my two older half sister’s. But for my whole life, “mom” has just been an honorary title for the one who gave birth to me.

When I was about 7 , she left my dad and took us (my older sisters and younger brother and sister who are twins) to live with her new boyfriend. Bud. My parents often got into fights, and her and Bud were no different, except for the fact that he’d often take his anger out on us as well. My oldest sister lived on her own but my other one was only 14 when we moved in with him, and he hated her the most. He had no problem getting physical with her, and my mom refused to do anything. It was ok so long as it wasn’t targeted at her. When Bud got drunk, sometimes he’d wonder into our room (I shared it with my older sister) and start throwing things at us, knocking down whatever was on the dresser, throwing clothes everywhere while he screamed at us. Mom did nothing. When my sister turned 16, my mom kicked her out. I don’t mean she sent her away for her own safety, I mean my sister was so fed up with my mom’s attitude and tried to hit her with a hot pan. So she sent her away and that just left us. After a few more years of the same shit, my mom kicked him out. I was about 12 at this point. Honestly, for at least a few weeks I respected and loved my mom. That is until she brought him home one day and we realized she hadn’t broken up with him. He was still in our lives. After seeing him I went into my room and cried my eyes out until my mom opened the door to ask me something. She looked at my face, saw my tears and chose to ignore them entirely. She didn’t care. For the next several years they still dated. Every weekend my mom would go to his apartment Friday and would stay there until Monday afternoon. Sometimes she’d be there for the entire week. About 2 years ago they actually broke up, because she found out he was cheating on her. Now, every time she hears his name she goes on about what he did to her. But it’s always her. She is incapable of stepping back and seeing what she let happen to her kids. The physical and emotional abuse he put us through is worth nothing to her.

Whenever I say something negative about my mom a lot of people jump in with the “she raised you, and fed and clothed you!” I only want to laugh because she actually did none of that. Wanna know who fed and clothed me? My oldest sister, ever since I was born. Even after she moved out she was the one who bought us school supplies, clothes and other necessities. Neither of my parents did any of that. And crediting them with raising me is too generous. Neither mom or dad paid much attention to me, my mom would leave us for days on end by ourselves, with me, at 13, being the oldest at home.

The best part about my mom is how she manages to make me feel bad just for being born. One of her favorite things to tell me is how when she left my dad he asked her just for my brother. He told her that he only wanted the boy and he’d leave her alone. According to her, he never wanted daughters. He only wanted a son and didn’t care about me or my sister. I’ve literally heard that same story for 10 years now. She also likes to say how my dad was great before she had me, then he started to get crazy. In her defense, she doesn’t say or do any of these things to intentionally hurt me. She doesn’t think about it. She is entirely unable to understand, no matter how hard I try and tell her, what this stuff does to me and my siblings. That’s just how she is. She can only think of herself.