Let me first say my thoughts are on the racing side today. I can’t get them ordered, and I’m going ramble.
First I have Bipolar II Disorder, and I’ve dealt with depression since as young as sixteen years old. Motivation is the hardest thing to come by these days. Now I’ve been in recovery for a year and have started to search for a job. I’ve had a few interviews, and one was super promising, but after a background check decided not to go through with it. That was disappointing, and little worrisome but I’m trying to move one. The trouble is this, I’m struggling to get going. I need to get up and go out and start handing out resumes. I know I have to, I know I can.
I know that the more I think about the more impossible it becomes. Yet for some reason I feel like all I want to do is sleep and wilt away. It’s all so damn convoluted in my fucking head right now. I feel guilty, and disgusted with myself. Like I’m being an entitled shit. Sometimes I hate myself, other times I’m super gentle with myself. Than there are times I logically see all the reasons I’m a valuable person, but emotionally I feel like complete garbage.
I need to go out and get a job. I really really do. I’m a mixture of afraid, and defeated though. Like no matter what every job I get is just going to be miserable. I won’t make enough to really even survive. I have the very real wish I’d never been born and I feel anger towards my parents. I’m twenty-seven, and lost my seven years ago, and my dad last year. So now I’m stuck in this world, with a life I don’t really want. One I wish I could trade or give to someone else who wants to fight for it more.
I hate saying that. I’m strong, and I have determination. I know I can do so much, but I just don’t have the drive to. I could make this life great. I have all this knowledge and advice. Some of which I actually follow. I drink mostly water, I eat healthy preparing meals in advance. I don’t work out like I should but I’m not in terrible shape. I’m getting my sleep schedule back in order. I’d like to write a novel and I keep trying but I can’t stick with it. I have a new attempt I want to try which is pace and dictate the book and than type out what I record, but haven’t fucking gotten myself to do that.
I’m in therapy, but i’m off my medication and frankly I haven’t noticed a difference. I need to do something about my situation, I need to spur myself to action because no one else will, but for whatever reason I just can’t dig any deeper. Can’t say I’m surprised. I’ve been drawing on those unknown reserves since I was sixteen. I sort of went along with everyone else because I had no ideas for myself. So I’d say fuck it and try it but after climbing all the fucking hills I’d get to the top and find nothing. Now I’m out of will to ride up any more hills.
Life is pain, my brother once said. My thought after that was “well than I don’t fucking want life.” I mean I do a lot of the time. It’s hardwired into us humans. I just… I don’t know. I’m in a weird place. I feel a lot of pain, but I don’t know why, or how. My therapist has me looking into some of the studies going on about boredom and how it may be tied to disgust, and how depression is, in part, ones anger internalized and turned inwards. Perhaps it’s anger over feeling guilty and entitled. I could believe that.
I don’t know. I’m fucking struggling is all I know. I want to sleep but I think I’ve slept more than I’ve been awake in the past 24 hours. Wish I hadn’t been born, wish I could just transfer my health and opportunities to someone who wouldn’t waste it like I feel like I am. I know this is a incoherent mess of a ramble. Sorry.
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I have this unrelenting hatred towards my parents because I wish they never had me as well. Not only did they give me this miserable existence, but they financially weren’t doing well enough. I think a lot of the worlds problems could be solved if we had reproduction and population control. Only the wealthy, and healthy individuals could repopulate. This could probably stop a lot of these dirt poor people from having 10 kids who then go on to be poor in the endless cycle. And it would also stop the earth from becoming extremely over populated. However, I don’t see that ever happening because humans don’t care. Also, like you, I’ve been looking for a job with no luck, a couple interviews but as you said, no matter which job I get I’m sure it’ll still be a miserable crappy job that I’ll barely survive on and will have to work double shifts just to scavenge through the trash. Life is pain. At least you have to be grateful that humans die, I mean could you imagine if we lived forever? Imagine having to suffer, work, and exist forever. At least life is temporary.
I had a friend who was struggling with the existential notion of his own mortality and I basically had your thought. That I’m really glad death is a card in a humans deck. The alternative would fucking suck.
When people would tell me to look at the “bright side” of life, I would. I am happy life is temporary and that eventually we get to die. I think dying is a reward for me and for some others. Like, if I struggle enough eventually I will be rewarded with the peace of everlasting slumber. Free from judgement and pain. Sorrow and all that comes with living.
Premo and Why – Well said, y’all !
I get mad at my biological parents sometimes. I think why couldn’t you have just aborted me? Saved me from all the pain and misery that I’ve had. Don’t get me wrong My adoptive parents are amazing I love them and it’s not their fault I’m alive and I get they wanted me but it didn’t have to be me it could have been any little girl they wanted a girl they got me and they got a lot of disappointments in getting me cause I’ve never been the little girl they wanted me to be they wanted me to be a certain way and I’m just not I can’t help that I get depressed and anxious i can’t help that I don’t believe in the god they do. I am me and I can’t help that. I hold a lot of anger toward my biological parents they had 7 other kids so why not just kill me? They didn’t want me so why give me to someone else to raise like I’ve never been good enough to keep since birth. I was literally born unwanted.
I’ve been pro-abortion for a while. If people are not ready, on their feet and stable enough to bring a kid in this world they shouldn’t bring one in. I think people often have these fantasies in their head about how their kids will grow up, they often put unrealistic expectations into their kids or want their kids to do what they never could growing up. Some of them want their kids to support them in the future or do something great so they can brag to others, but most of the times it won’t happen that way. And it just creates an endless cycle of pain, suffering and misery. Along with low self esteem, lack of confidence, depression, and suicidal thoughts and actions.
I’m pro-abortion because I know what it feels like to be adopted and it may not be that way for all people who are adopted but it is for me. And what I wouldn’t give to have never been born.
Also I feel if you aren’t financially or physically ready or emotionally ready go ahead and don’t bring that kid into a life of that. It’s not even a baby it’s an embryo. I can’t have kids I’ve known this since I was 17 and my ex husband reminded me often how that made me less of a woman but honestly if I even could have a kid I wouldn’t I don’t want one and I’d end the pregnancy right away.
That’s rough and while I’m sure we could reframe that, it won’t change that it still fucking hurts. I think for me it’s not a matter of want, so much as a matter of should. My folks were in their mid to late forties when had me, so I’m a risk for so much shit.
My adoption was closed so I have no medical background and there’s no way to get it either so i don’t know if I’m at risk for anything or why my body doesn’t accept drugs like a normal person I had skin cancer a few years back had it removed before it spread idk if that runs in my blood so it’s a guessing game when I go to the dr for anything
Regular check ups and trust in your doc is a powerful combo. Not that you can afford them. Our society is so fucked health is treated as something to be bought and sold, and not an intrinsic need. I’ll also admit it’s dangerous when that trust gets misplaced as I learned when I was hospitalized after my suicide attempt. I was the only one who suggested, hey maybe this medicine I’ve only been on for four or five weeks is a real problem.
Go to a monastery. It will help you, trust me. You need a break from it all and the serenity of a monk’s life will recharge your soul. I stayed in a Benedictine Abbey for at least 1 week but I’ve already felt better. We all need a break sometimes and the thing is we could use a little bit of peace and serenity in our lives. If you’re religious/spiritual, I suggest doing the same thing. Who knows, you might like it so much that you might not even want to leave anymore.
I’m far from religious or spiritual. The world is wholly material and natural to me. I appreciate the offer though. I have considered seeing if I could get into forestry classes and maybe spend a summer fire watching or something. I appreciate the suggestion though.
I was adopted as well. We got a lot in common. Being drunks and being adopted!! I don’t see them as my adoptive parents, they were my real parents in every way that counted, and they were great. Their both gone now, and it’s one of my main reasons for wanting to exit this planet.
I do wonder sometimes what kind of person and what kind of life I would have had if I wasn’t, but I’m very happy I was. We had some good times.