March 20th, 2017by snader

Sometimes I feel like the most fucked up fucker there is. My head is so torn between living and dying. For a while I’ve been having really conflicting thoughts again.
I saw a puppy yesterday. It was white and fluffy and young. It was especially happy, ecstatic of joy and full of life. He jumped towards me and started smelling everything and licking my hand and just being it’s little puppy self. For at least 5 minutes after he left, I couldn’t stop smiling. Animals make me really fuzzy and warm inside.
Then I went home and every single time when I wait for a train to arrive or when I see it coming in, for a split second a thought pops up. How I could just jump on the tracks. And thing is, I see it so clearly in my head. I don’t know if I would ever follow the impuls to do it, but it scares me. Just that it’s there.

Meanwhile I’m floating through limbo, waiting for a car to run me over but also hoping nothing bad will happen to me. I wanna live. I wanna die. Welcome to my life. I’m sure it’s recognizable.

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