It seems like forever I was last on here. Some of you, if you’re still around God willing, hopefully remember me as Buscetti. My name is also Gianna.
I met some really amazing people on here. One in particular I remember. He was just the greatest guy. I never met him in person, seeing as we were worlds apart, but I still missed him like I hadn’t seen him in ages. Sometimes I want to reach out again and say hello, but never know if I should.
My life now is a lot different than it was 3 years ago, when I was first hospitalized. A lot has changed. I’m different than I was, not all good. I’m still stuck in the cycle of wanting to die but wanting to better my life.
I’m mostly very angry now. Angry at a lot of people despite knowing there’s nothing I can do.
I don’t know fully why I came back. Maybe hoping to reconnect. Maybe hoping I’ll not feel so lonely. Or just maybe I can help someone with the knowledge that yeah, I’m still here 3 years later.
9 comments
Welcome back, glad you’re still with us!
I hope you figure out how to feel better and leave the haters in your wake 🙂
Thanks for the reply. I strangely missed it here.
Welcome back, my story is a lot like yours.
Thank you. If you ever need someone to listen, I will.
Thank you for offering your ear. I will briefly touch on a point you made. “stuck in the cycle of wanting to die but wanting to better my life.”
Dying has been viewed by me, until quite recently, as a personal duty to end suffering from the past and prevent any future suffering. It still could do all that BUT I see that therapy, with it’s accumulating relief, is beginning to offer a life without so much suffering as before. Not great, not terrible either.
My yesterdays are as numerous as they will be, my tomorrows will likely increase however. It is in those tomorrows coupled with my effective therapist that I may find continued life is justifiable and acceptable.
So yeah, dying would be nice anytime it could happen (I believe in a sweet afterlife) but living might just turn out to be an ok thing to let happen for a while.
BTW, I bet you anger is so justified. I would listen if you like. I posted not too long ago “Time for an update – Naturally” if you want some point of reference regarding who this member is. Thanks again for posting up a story quite a bit like my own.
No need to thank me. I’m glad you found a therapist that has helped, it took me seeing 5 before I found one I loved, only to find out after a few years of seeing her she is leaving. I just got the call yesterday who my new one will be.
My anger is developing into its own person almost. I will perhaps make a post on the details of why I’m so angry. I just feel there’s no justice in the world at the moment, and having a family that’s delusional is not helpful either.
Like you said, in time life may seem justifiable and acceptable.
I have expressed the most anger I have ever expressed in therapy lately and it is regarding the current target she and I are working on.
A delusional family would have heaped injustice upon injustice upon you I would think. Only my mother was delusional and that was horrible. Terrible injustices. I can’t imagine a family with that mindset. Seems utterly awful.
Now is this awkward time when I can almost imagine better days ahead but more processing still has to happen.
Going through five therapists to find one you love sounds reasonable. Too bad they are not easily found.
Man I’m so furious I could catch fire. My lips are chapped I’m so angry and furious with how pointless and utterly dead end parts of my life are right now. If I had a hammer I’d knock the shit out of all the walls. Just burn them down. Piss on the ashes.
Burn it and rise from the ashes like a phoenix