Hitman?

I’ve recently started cutting myself bcus my husband started watching porn… I don’t understand it, he’ll be better and happier without me. This world has nothing for me, I’ve always known i don’t belong here. Like there’s nothing here for me except pain, rejection, misery. I have no family, and the family i did have has been taken away from me, it’s like as if bcus I’m an accident to this world, I’m being punished constantly and continously for the problems of the world. I don’t think I’ve ever really been loved before, my own mother always told me no one can love me bcus she never did. There is nowhere in this world I can find peace, all 36 years of my life have been HELL, people like to say if you kill yourself you go to hell, ok, this is hell, nothing can be worse than what I’ve already been through… I just want to rest finally get peaceful rest without worrying what is going to happen to me next. My anxiety is so bad that I’ve been shaking for 3 days already, non stop… My husband asked me am i cold bcus of the shaking… No… My shaking is my reaction to his actions. I’ve been taking 100 benadryls in 2 maybe 3 days to try to keep calm, or to never wake up, every morning i wake up open my eyes and i hate that im still in the same place with the same pain. My marriage was good before this porn shit… I can’t even eat anymore, it makes me sick asf, I’ve been like that probably a month or more already, i eat a little here and there when my husband insists on it. I WANT TO GO ALREADY, this shit isn’t fair. All i have to do is tell my husband I’m leaving him, after i go he won’t file no missing person reports, and i don’t have anyone else in my life to be concerned should i disappear. I know i can’t do it though, i really need someone to do it for me, it’s like a mercy killing, i mean, that’s some honorable shit. Well to me it is anyway. I’ve thought about copicide, suicide by cop, but everything in my life has been so dramatic i kinda want a peaceful death, a peaceful death will be a new beginning to me. My soul will be free, the worries and the pain in this life won’t be able to haunt me anymore. I will never be able to be hurt by any worldly person or thing anymore. My husband won’t have to ignore me anymore and i will no longer feel the pain of him ignoring me and wanting other females. He’ll be a widow and he’ll be able to do whoever and whatever he wants to do, freely at that. I have a dog, she’s an Italian Mastiff, i love her and i know she loves me, but my depression isn’t good for her either. I honestly think people should be able to go to the dr and say hey doc, ya know I’ve been trying this life shit out and it’s just not for me, yea i think you guys got the wrong person when i was brought into this world. And at that point the dr should be like ok I’m gonna give you a shot wherever you want it and I’ll dispose of your body! It’s kind of smart when you think about it. There wouldn’t be so many mental health issues for happy people to deal with. It’s a win win situation IMO… I don’t understand the point in forcing depressed people to remain living in pain and constant struggle for a lifetime. Lately I’ve been so envious of terminally ill people… What’s even more fuckd up is, most of the time they love life and would do anything for just an extra day or 2… I wish i could trade, but I’d have to trade with someone that’s checking out fairly quickly… I want out of this fuckd up place as soon as i possibly can…