I used to say I choose life. Exhaust everything you have before you give up. I feel like I’ve exhausted so much, and I have some extremely trying times ahead of me now, things are impossible. There is a mess here made by him, and I am left to physically and emotionally pick up his mess.
It’s not okay. I am incapable, like him, but in different ways.
It takes a long time to heal from trauma, if you even really heal from it. I don’t have it in me again to go through it, when I know how I am, how I get. Life stops, I cannot afford it to stop. But I am frozen. Cannot do anything anymore.
2 comments
Hello foxinthesnow, I am an old fart. I have lived in poverty of spirit and pocketbook at times. I wrote those first two sentences just so you know I have somewhat been where you are. Also, I am only just coming out of a nasty years long depression and near non-stop suicidal ideation for decades.
That said, I understand you see your life is about to end. Presuming that happens, I take it you have a young son who will be in foster care or family care soon after you depart. Maybe that is a good thing or even a better thing for him, but I don’t know.
If I understand your postings correctly, you are about to loose and are loosing even the most basic of human necessities. I have to assume that wherever you are in the US, like everywhere I have lived in the US, there is public housing or housing assistance and food bank and/or food assistance. Sucks to live this way, but I have done it. If this cannot work for you, or your mind hurts just so bad living just isn’t tolerable, or ?, then yeah, you may just decide to go and catch the bus.
Ok. that is probably enough ideas for one comment. I will stay tuned.
Hi a1957, thank you for your caring thoughts. I just saw your comment. No, I will die before that.