It doesn’t matter what I do.
I have been to three hospitals in an effort to save me from myself. I tried to explain my feelings of pointlessness to the doctors. All I got was medications shoved down my throat and a longer hospital stay.
I tried to explain myself to the EMT in the ambulance with me. All I got was a lecture of how selfish I am, and then he showed me pictures of his cats.
I tried to explain it all to the nurses. It was funny to one that I watch crime shows and Grey’s Anatomy and was suicidal, but if I didn’t watch myself I would be put on suicide watch.
My friends didn’t understand. It was simply the ramblings of a disturbed teenager who just needed to get a grip on herself. “It’s OK, I’m sure high school will be better…. I’m sure university will be better…. I’m sure it will get better one day.” Will it, though?
My counselors reported to my parents. So much for trust and reliability. It turned into hours and hours of silence, but they were getting paid so they didn’t care.
I moved out; I’m on my own. I thought I would be happier away from the violence and anger of that household, but I was wrong. These feelings stay with me. So the apartment doesn’t get cleaned, new scars are made, and I can’t sleep at night because my mind is plagued. The years are going by, I’m paranoid and stressed and I scare my new friends.
I tried to be normal. I got married, got a job, am I not living the dream life? I mean I can live on my own, I can hold a job, be part of a relationship, and graduate in the top 1% of my class, so maybe there’s nothing wrong with me. Yet the blood doesn’t stop flowing and my thoughts don’t disappear.
So I tried to find solace here on this website. I tried and explained myself once more, because maybe, just maybe, people who have the same experiences will finally help. But I am just told I am wrong for feeling these things. How can feelings be wrong? I’m not trying to intellectualize anything. I feel that life has no meaning and I want to die, but I am wrong for trying to explain it and equating the two. Apparently there are rules for the reasons you choose to kill yourself.
So maybe I am wrong. Wrong for thinking that I could actually ever explain myself. Maybe it only makes sense in my head. But to me, it is the truth. Medications will only try and erase it; it’s the doctors trying to control your thoughts and feeling. People will only belittle you and they won’t understand. Silly me for even trying.
If you’re struggling and trying to find help, just know society doesn’t understand, and no one will ever truly understand. What else can you do but never show your true self to anyone?
Try your best to dull the suffering. Soon, your misery will end.
17 comments
Over a long period of time dealing with depression/anxiety, I’ve learned that these are conditions I must bear alone. All alone. Sure, you meet helpful people along the way, but ultimately, we stand/sit/crawl/cry/despair alone.
Chip : Absolutely. I second that.
Moments before passing out for emergency surgery, after having just shot myself in the chest, I clearly remember the sound of someone in the room having a hearty laugh. I will never forget that.
I guess the fact that I had just aimed a gun at the left ventricle of my heart was pretty funny to someone.
People can seem quite heartless and cold, till you understand that they never cared about you to begin with 🙂
Did you miss? How’d you survive?
The angle was wrong, it came out my side. Ammo was 8 yrs old, didn’t achieve the normal velocity.
Sigh, this is why I hesitate in attempts. Because the worst thing isn’t dying- it’s botching it and slooooowly dying, slowly bleeding out. Yeesh.
So, did it make a hole in your heart? Did it heal up or are there constant side effects of it?
Missed the heart completely. I would have waited to slowly bleed out, but the pain was unbearable … like an explosion inside the chest. I was screaming for five minutes, before I decided to stay in hell.
Scars.
Why did it miss? From recoil? Did that change the trajectory?
You decided to call the ambulance instead? How come you didn’t try a 2nd bullet? I’ve been researching gun deaths and thought what would happen if one tried and missed…
What caliber handgun did you use? I read that it’s best to use a shotgun…
I went in at an angle (not straight in), to circumvent the sternum bone (which is meant to protect the heart). .45 ACP (large caliber). I might have hesitated at the last second, which didn’t help.
Like I said, the pain was unbearable. Could barely hear my thoughts. I just wanted that pain to stop. Couldn’t bear to go anywhere near the gun after that. I will never pick up a gun again.
^ darkness
This is why I want a lethal liquid vial. Most methods available to us do not guarantee our instant death.
How do you plan to do it the 2nd time around, in the woods?
VSED
Isn’t that a long and painful way to go?
According to the ‘net:
“Dehydration or lack of water can occur very quickly depending on the environment, temperature, body weight and various activity levels. Going without water may take up to a week to 10 days to reach death. However, in extremely hot dry areas this may occur far faster.”
I can’t bring myself to any violence, after my first experience. VSED fits my identity, my beliefs, my personality, my life, and my love for nature.
Yes you are so right. Never show your true self to anyone. Perhaps that is why Dante never met with Beatrice. I met my Beatrice, but she ignored me until I truly knew whether she was actually an angelic-like person that I saw in her behaviour for a too short a time. But if I never spoke to her wouldn’t I be always wondering what could have been instead of the OTHER pain which is why must she do flee and I suffer? It’s like asking whether you want to be stabbed or beaten to death. Right now I want a painless lethal drug instead, but I don’t know whether this site has people who have the knowledge.