It all started in 7th grade, when I suddenly stopped caring about school work and only managed to pass classes because my mother contacted my teachers and forced me to salvage my grades. That apathy was the beginning of it all. In 10th grade I experimented with pills and discovered I yearned for the effects they caused. In 11th grade I found a girl who kept me straight. She and I lasted until my first week of college. I absolutely lost my mind when I lost her. When she left it was as if the dam that contained all my depression finally burst. I attempted to black mail her new relationship, and I yelled, and I cried and, I suffered. I didn’t think I could ever feel okay again. It got to the point where I was ready to leap from the parking deck. I had decided that once I got back to campus from my weekend home I would do it, but as I hugged my mother and younger sisters goodbye I knew I could never put them through that. So I suffered on. Over time I finally began to heal. The thing that helped me the most was a new girl. She was in a terrible relationship, and I feel like I rescued her from it. I felt like I could save her, if not myself. She let me cry over my ex when I just wanted to die. When I would get drunk and high she would play with my hair and let me love her. She loved my and comforted me when I dropped out of college due to my depression. She drove 3 hours many times over the summer just to visit me. She was my first, and I was sure she would be my last. I would’ve proposed to her in a heart beat if we weren’t so young. Unfortunately it didn’t work out that way. We’ve been apart for almost 2 months now, and it hurts me more and more every day. I just asked her to tell me that she doesn’t love me and that we will never get back together. Once she sends me those two statements I’ll finally have the strength to end it. I’ll take all the pills I can get my hands on and then contact those I love for my final goodbyes. That’s my story, or at least all the parts that matter.
3 comments
I’m sorry that you’re going through this, and that you’ve chosen the thing that you did. However, it’s quite clear that you rely far too much on others. First it was the girl in 11th grade that helped you with your apathy and experimentation, then it was this girl that helped you get over your ex. Do you have no interests, goals or things that make you happy, or at least evokes some positivity? If one relies so extremely on others in relationships, it’ll never work out. It’ll always be doomed to fail. That’s placing far too much pressure on one side, a relationship is supposed to be a two-way street. Try to work on yourself, instead of throwing yourself into relationships to cover up your issues.
O and I would advise against just randomly swallowing as many pills as possible. It will most likely fail, and will only cause severe organ damage. Anyway, I hope you find relief in whatever you choose to do.
I know I have the tendency to become far too invested in others. I stopped living for myself a long time ago. I live for others now, and I’m not sure if I even know how to live for myself. And the pills thing, I’ve looked into the medications I have available and I’m almost certain that they’ll do the trick (given I have the proper quantity). I was about to tilt the bottle back and empty the pills into my mouth when I heard my mother pull into the driveway, so I guess for now I’m still stuck. I appreciate your concern and insight.
Maybe you can try living for yourself. One will never know if you’re not able to without trying. Pills are a tricky thing, and even if you think you have the quantities right, it isn’t a sure fire result. Often a person may involuntarily throw them right back up, leaving you with some nasty health issues. Anyway, just be completely sure before you commit to anything.