Yesterday evening I was closest to killing myself…………no one knows it yet although I doubt it would make any difference to the way the treat me now. I needed some help, needed someone to talk to….so I called up my friends to meet me before our tuition. I went there early, waited almost half an hour till they arrived. It was already way past the time tuition begins so the bluntly told me that they have no time and will talk after the tuition. This hurt me a little for I had waited somewhat like 30 mins for them and they couldn’t even afford to give me the 5 minutes that I prayed for. Anyway beggars can’t be choosers so we all went to the tuition. After it was over and we all were standing outside, they told me that the wont ever talk to me on that matter nor would they ever help me. They told me directly that they do not pay a damn shit about my life and told me never again to try to talk with them on that matter. They didn’t stop there, they even told my best friend to follow their advice and ignore me. They believe that if I don’t talk about that matter it would help me forget…….atleast thats how they explain their stand.
I knew that I would no longer me able to share my sorrow with anyone. It was too much disturbing a thought for me. Moreover I had run out of the drugs that I was taking to keep me going so I was also experiencing somewhat of a withdrawal symptoms. After that I saw them stop to have some roadside food. They didn’t ask me to join because they knew that my drug addiction has stripped me of all cash. That made me feel so neglected. All the while I was begging for them to help me, promising them that I would never again disturb them if they would for once help me.
They acted as if I was not even there!
That broke all the threads that were holding me together. I decided to jump off a nearby bridge.
I spent a few moments on that bridge. I don’t remember much but I think I must have cried holding on to the railings. That attracted a lot of attention. Then someone came and asked me whether I was okay. I said yes and hurriedly got off the bridge for I was afraid that someone may call the police.
That guy probably saved my life last night. I don’t know whether I am grateful to him or not but I pray that if there is anything such as God… May He bless him.
I walked the streets for a long time after that.Quiet late into the night. The missed calls began to pile up on my phone.
25 missed calls……made me feel damn important!
Among them were a few calls from my best friend too. I was really pissed off at him too but I decided to reject his call just to assure him that I am alive. All other calls I left unanswered.I made my way home. My parents acted as if nothing has happened to comfort me.
I couldn’t sleep last night.
Today morning I met my best friend. He has changed. Doesnt talk like before. I used to think of him as someone who would always be by my side but no he is like everyone else…..a liar…..a hypocrite.
The problem is that I have too many ‘bad’ good friends who don’t reciprocate the love I bear them.
I help everyone on even the most smallest of things to earn their love but I guess everyone is too selfish ever to remember anything.
I don’t have a soul to turn to now. It’s the worst I have ever felt. I have spent each wakeful moment of today contemplating suicide.
I need someone to talk to.
The silence is deafening.
My ears are on the verge of bursting.
My back has touched the walk and the pressure is so unforgiving that I can’t breathe.
I need my friends back. Please!
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9 comments
i used to have a lot of friends. friends i thought who were true. friends i thought who care for me but no! sometimes, it’s better to be alone than have those people who really don’t give a damn about you.
ps. i feared silence. but i now learned to let them deafen me.
Some people can keep suffering confined to their heart but I cant. I am sorry but I need friends.
i needed friends too..true ones
I always feel its better to talk with someone your age and type than to talk with a pschyologist!
Hey,
I’m glad you are still with us, and I hope you know that there are people out there who care and will take the time to listen too you.
Have you ever heard of compassion fatigue? Secondary trauma? or burnout? I suggest you look them up for greater detail, but essentially it has to do with a person or professional who suffer negative affects from continually being exposed to trauma or stressful events/ information. It’s possible that the change in your friends behaviour may be due to these factors. If you’ve regularly expressed these emotions to your friends it’s possibly they’ve begun to suffer from it because they aren’t properly equipped to deal with such issues or to handle the stress or worry without it negatively affecting their well being. I think humans are limited in their abilities to handle certain events in life, and I think your friends fall into this category. I don’t think they should have treated you in such an unfair manner neither should you have to beg for a friend to help you. A real friend wouldn’t treat you this way. Maybe take this time to evaluate your friendships.
It’s difficult when people don’t reciprocate the same amount of care we show them, but we can’t change people – only learn from these experiences. There will be people in this life who will show you the much needed care you crave, but for now keep your head up through this difficult times.
I encourage you to reach out to the proper resources such as a counsellor etc. Seven cups of tea is a website where you can talk with “listeners” or ” professionals” about your feelings and life. Check out the above website if you like.
Stay strong and may peace and happiness find you soon.
Thank you!
Indeed, the worst thing a person could experience is loneliness, isolation and neglect. But let’s be honest, most people don’t want to hang out with people who have problems or want to pour out their emotions. They want to hang out with the fun and talkative type who makes jokes or bantz at someone’s expense. Trust me, I’ve been through this before. I was the life of the group, always talking, smiling and making bantz with my friends or co-workers.
Now I’m the outcast and rarely have anyone to talk to anymore. I’m the brunt of verbal abuse and I’m afraid to speak out due to the bulying I just suffered recently. We need to face the reality that people don’t really give a shit about others’ problems as long as it benefits them or have some mutual hurt. What happens when we talk about our problems or get depressed is that we tend to get cingy and desperate for attention and no one wants to go near that. In fact, this is one of the reasons i’m having trouble finding new friends now because I’m on the extreme end of either playing it too cautious and in effect becoming too quiet and dull or be too trusting and talkative, coming off as desperate and pathetic in wanting to be accepted. I wasn’t like this before. I don’t know what happened but I guess neing ganged up and abused from all facets of life just recently does something to you and damages your psyche on a subconscious level.
Today i’ve only one person i know who i can talk to but I’ve learned to play it cool and no appear clingy and pathetic. At least I have someone to talk to but it was circumstance that we hanged out again. We’re going to the same trade school but we’re ending our training this March 31st and who knows where he’ll go next. We probably won’t see each other again by who knows how many years because he’s going to another place soon to pursue his career while i’ll fail in mine because his was easier while mine was harder.
This is compouned by the fact that I have many absences due to my sleepless nights and depressed state. My classmates look at me like I’m some weirdo or lazy ass because they have no idea what I’m going through.
Time flies really fast. Just when you have that glimmer of hope that things might turn around, it also flips around just as fast and bad luck just falls into place. I guess some people were born winners and losers and others just plain unlucky. Sometimes, I wonder what God has in store for me and why hE made me in the first place if He just wants to make me like this.
You are probably the only person who follows me around here. I get what you are saying.
There is a story a few years back. Its called ‘Misery’ by Anton Chekov. Its there on the Internet. You should read it. It vividly describes our problem.
I am really grateful to you for being a good listener.
I think that I am a little late to wish you luck for your training as its already 31st. I do earnestly hope that you have passed.
Life has been really harsh to you yet you are so kind to me. I honestly pray for your success in life and that you suffer no further abuse from anyone. Take care!
Thanks man. I try to be as kind and gentle as possible due to my Christian beliefs and upbringing, maybe to a fault because it allows people to take advantage of my kindness and see it as weakness. Whatever the case, we only have to look out for the positives, move forward in life and hope for the best. I’ve already passed the welding assessment by the way. I will be graduating this Thursday and I can feel things are turning around already. Small things like these mean the world to me right now in my current state. Hope life turns around for you too bro. Take care!