About Control

Hello. Guess who crawled back to that one person I talked about last time. Didn’t even last a week. I think I got a taste of what it felt like to be open with someone and now I’m hooked. I’m making this sound like a drug thing. It is if you think about it. To be dependent on a person like that. It could mean more pain later on. Maybe. It’s hard to tell. Funny thing is I’m thinking about showing her this place. Let her read some of my posts. To let her get a better understanding of the fucked up mess that is my head. At least I’m thinking about giving her the option. Of course I’m very cautious about talking to her. Don’t want to scare her off. She might be reading this later. Thing is I really don’t want to filter myself because of that. This place was always a place where I could let all the unfiltered thoughts just flow out. I won’t filter myself. This is not what this post is about. This is just a side note. On to the main topic.

Everything in my life could have been solved if I had control. If I had control of the situation, if I had control of the timing, and if I had control of my own head. Everything. I touched on this from my last post, but if I had control and strength then I wouldn’t be in a depression. To be able to force myself to get out of it. Through sheer willpower. And then I’m left wondering why I want this control. I wonder why is it that I desire the power to control myself when a part of me just want’s to let go and sink. To finally be beyond myself and finally end it all. Then I think of a metaphor. Life is like a stream. There are those strong enough to keep swimming and moving forward. There are those strong enough to let go and flow down the stream. Then there is us. We struggle to make any headway but we still keep going. We don’t have the strength to keep pushing forward like the others, but we don’t have the strength to let go either. We are in limbo in a sense. And I think to myself what would I choose if I had the strength. Does it matter. Either way both decisions require strength. But there outcomes are so drastically different. I always think about it day in and day out. Control is such a funny thing to desire. It’s such a bizarre set of circumstances we find ourselves in. I sit here trying to think of something else I could possibly say on the subject. The concept of control is oddly alluring despite my resentment to those who have it. It’s a hard feeling to place. I think that is all. Thanks for listening if you are.